I didn’t have enough coffee when I flipped through the channels the other morning because I heard the following headline escaping from my TV:
Segway Owner Rides Off Cliff
This happened while he was on a Segway, of course.
This is a Segway:
Walk, you fat bastards! Just fucking walk there already!
For those of you who DON’T live in a nation of increasingly obese, lazy bastards, the Segway was supposed to revolutionize personal transport by completely removing walking from the picture. Dean Kamen invented the Segway back in the late 90′s and released it for sale in 2001. It cost more than $5,000 (U.S.) which means that most working people can’t take part in the glorious scooter revolution. Either that or they probably just bought a used car. Let’s face it; you’d look cooler cruising in an ’84 Honda than you would on that thing. The Segway was supposed to be the next level in personal transport because it self-balances and runs on batteries. It’s supposed to be safe to ride and navigate in most pedestrian venues. I say supposedly, because the damn things have been recalled due to glitches that throw riders off, local laws that don’t allow them in most pedestrian venues and riders who just don’t seem to know how to steer the damn things.
Yeah, it’s all fun and games until somebody sustains a head injury, including the owner of the company. Now, quick disclaimer. The owner of the company is NOT the man who invented it. The inventor, as far as we know, wouldn’t be caught dead on one. (Ba-dum dum!) The owner of the company has. I have nothing clever to say about this. The only thing I can say is, “Dude! The Segway owner guy rode one of those things off a cliff! I mean off a fucking cliff! How does this shit happen?”
We can only guess how this happened. Easy to steer my aching ass. Either that or that man wanted to go out with irony and style. If it was the second scenario, my hats off to you, Segway owner guy. You pulled it off. I think that’s the only way you could achieve style on one of those things. Let’s face it; it’s not the most impressive mode of transport out there.
Yeah...uh...NO. That guy is just going to finish robbing the bank and then proceed to outrun you.
Well, let’s raise a glass and a Croc to the Segway guy. We Americans owe a toast to anyone trying their best to keep us a bunch of lazy slobs. (On a side note, I should post a tribute to the Crocs guy as well. Nothing like ugly plastic shoes unfit to wear to a dogfight to keep you on the Lazytron scooter.) If you haven’t had a chance to ride a Segway, good for you. If you’re cussing me out while cruising headlong into a concussion at 12 mph –GET OFF THE DAMN SEGWAY AND WALK ALREADY. I’m not joking about this. Fucking walk. The innocent bystanders and your waistline will thank me later.