It’s time to answer the great question plaguing mankind for centuries: What’s for dinner?
Unfortunately this is NOT happening in my fridge right now.
My greatest ambivalence in life is the fact that I both love and hate to cook. I’m an excellent cook if I must say so myself, and yes, it took more years of practice than I care to think about. However, I have those days when fatigue and arthritis make me even steer clear of Ore Ida French fries because putting them on a tray and attempting to stick it in the oven is just too much like cooking to be bothered with.
Ahhh, now that’s more like it. Liquid lunch. Now if I can only get one of those gorgeous young gay boys to mix it for me. (I’m all about the visuals today.)
Sometimes even I have to break down and cook, however. The first task is to get supplied. I love living in NorCal because I have dozens of grocery stores ranging from the wholly American mundane (Lucky’s, Safeway, Raley’s, etc.) to stores specific to different nationalities and regions. I love Asian and Indian supermarkets. The food is fresher, cheaper and you can always count on amusing somebody by being the only white person in there. I’m not joking; I almost made some poor woman choke on a dumpling at Ranch 99 because I happened to be white in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m really sorry about that. I just wanted to pat her on the shoulder and tell her not to adjust the television set because I really am white. Unfortunately I think she misinterpreted my presence there as an invasion of sorts.
This is exactly how I look to the innocent people in Asian grocery stores and restaurants. They find my presence…unsettling.
Anyway, I love the variety of products you just can’t get in American supermarkets. The problem is, I don’t even know what some of it is, let alone how to make it into dinner. Of course, there’s always the situation that arises where I know exactly what I’m looking at, and through nothing other than cultural bias, wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole. So, come with me through the busy streets of Oakland and let’s go shopping. Oh, just a word of warning. The crosswalk signals don’t appear that often; but when they do, it’s a total five-way free-for-all of shuffling bodies. Mind your step, and put that damn gun down. What did I tell you about that?
Good thing they put that sign in Mandarin. There’s no way of telling where we’d end up otherwise.
Now, traditionally Western born and raised individuals shy away from these:
Peking duck, definitely on the menu.
They’re very good, and I’d put them on my menu any day. You don’t have to eat the head. Nice thing about smoked duck is that is comes already cooked. You just heat up some vegetables and Bob’s your uncle, or possibly Vu’s your uncle in this case. Just stop saying “ick” and try it some time. I’m pretty open-minded when it comes to food, but there’s even things I’ll avoid. Take this for example:
No, your eyes are NOT playing tricks on you. That’s pig uterus. I’m not sure if you’re supposed to eat it or use it to predict the future. I personally predict I’m skipping this and going to McDonald’s.
Here’s another tender, tasty morsel for you. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? These are tough, gristly, boney and just downright unappetizing.
Hell no. Not steamed, not fried, not smothered in chocolate and gummi bears. NO.
What’s a delicacy here is someone else’s Welfare rations. Take scad, for example.
This is scad, aka, galong gong. I had a friend that was really offended because they put this on a restaurant menu.
You see, this is the only food the poor in the Philippines can afford to eat. It’s essentially Food Stamp fish. The effect is the same as if I took an American to a high-end restaurant and found Chef Boyardee Beef n’ Macaroni on the menu. Yes, that bad. But the fish itself is quite good salted, if you must know.
Here’s another delicacy that I’m trying to avoid:
Yes, what they say is true about using everything except the squeal. I’ll pass.
I have some reservations about eating a pig’s nose. I’m not sure what it is, but I think it’s because I’ve been to pig farms and I know that most likely that nose spent the majority of its time buried in a mixture of shit and mud. Not my idea of flavor enhancement. Maybe I’ll just go for the bacon and eggs instead…
Ummm, maybe not those particular eggs.
These would be century eggs, Pidan or 100 years eggs but for the fact that this is modern times and they were probably artificially aged in about two weeks. (Chemistry is fun!) Don’t believe me? Click on that last sentence to find out how. I take no responsibility for any food poisoning that results.
Okay…checking the grocery list here…oh, pick up some Idako, if you will.
NO. These are NOT baby octopus. These octopuses are fully grown and smoked to perfection. I like Idako, thank you very much.
People are thrifty in other countries. They have retained the art and skill of using the parts the rest of us throw out. Take oxtail, for one. I love oxtail stew and make it myself. I think the rest of America would do their best to convince themselves that it wasn’t a cow’s tail and then order a burger instead. I still need to learn how to make kama. There are all types, and I have to confess that the jaw meat of a fish really is the softest, most succulent tastiest part.
Take your pick: hamachi, salmon, mackerel…the possibilities are endless. They also make incredible fish stock.
Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m just about full up. Time for dessert. Let’s see what we have here…
Hello, panda. Christ I hope that doesn’t contain actual pandas. That label is simultaneously amusing and disturbing.
Like I always say, I think I’ll pass on dessert, I’m drinking. Let’s see what there is to put in this glass.
Either this is the Asian version of absinthe or something got lost in translation. Well, try anything once. Bottoms up.
As the green fairy takes us back home you should ponder what you’re having for dinner tonight. Before you make a harsh judgment about another’s choices or turn your nose up at pig snout and Idako, think long and hard about the things you ate today. Better yet, click here and see for yourself. Yeah, I’d rethink that whole frozen dinner thing too.