Posts Tagged ‘stupidity’

Ho Shit

Monday, March 21st, 2011

I’m hearing quite a bit about sex addiction lately. Now, I have to stop right here and give a quick disclaimer. I grew up in a house full of drunks, drug addicts and generally insane people. I don’t subscribe to that whole “addiction is a crippling illness” bullshit (I’ll get to that in a bit). I bring this up because I look at the people who are supposed sex addicts and just roll my eyes.

Sex addiction, according to Psychcentral.com,  is “a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts.” “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category ‘Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,’ as ‘distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.’ According to the manual, sex addiction also involves ‘compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship.’”

At least they have enough taste to not insist it’s a kind of disease. Let me tell you something I know about disease from the viewpoint of a biochemist. Cancer, leukemia, rheumatoid arthritis, etc., are all diseases. You can take some mitigating steps in your life (good diet, exercise, not smoking) to try to avoid them. However, sometimes, despite all your better efforts, Mother Nature decides that you will get a disease. There is nothing you can do about it. She/Fate/God/What Have You makes the decision and you get the disease. There’s not a thing in the world you can do about it.

There is a whole WORLD of difference between getting a disease and acting like a goddamn whore. And that’s all you are if you’re a sex addict. Male or female (especially if you’re male, I’m sick of that term only being applied to women), if you fuck anything that moves, you’re a goddamn whore.

Look familiar sex addicts? No, it's not your reflection...

Sex addiction seems to be limited to the realms of the rich, famous and affluent. Let’s face it; only those types can work the stroll all day and not have to worry about being back before their lunch break is up. The rest of us just get to listen to these dicktards whine all day about how hard they have it and how they’re truly sorry and how they have to get back to country club rehab.

What they really need to do is just shut the fuck up. Seriously. You’re a goddamn whore, so stop making excuses for your ho shit because nobody’s buying it, least of all me. Now, put your dicks back in your pants, stop your fucking whining and pull your shit together. Nobody feels sorry for you.

Oh, and stay the hell off my furniture.

I'm sure there's hidden consequences to your little "disease." One of them will NOT be pus on my sofa.

After all your ho shit, there’s no saying what kind of dick gangrene, crotch critters or jungle rot you have going on down there. I really don’t want to know. I will tell you one thing, you better stay the hell off my furniture because I’m really not in the mood to burn the sofa. If I do, I’ll make sure you’re still on it at the time. There’s nothing like the purifying power of fire, I always say.

Now get back to work.

Not that work, you stupid douchebag.

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Posted in The Demon Haunted World | No Comments »

Thank You for Not Giving a Shit

Friday, October 22nd, 2010

I am a consummate social media addict. I have to say that it helps me get through the day to burp out some rude comment on exactly how shitty the day is going. I try to make it brief and occasionally humorous. I’m sure that Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and Bebo have done a fair bit to connect people and even raise consciousness about some important causes. Causes and organizations can have their own sites with their own fan base. People can also write, post and twat about causes near and dear to them. But this makes me wonder. What are people actually trying to accomplish here? Just because somebody posts some bullshit about a cause or idea doesn’t mean they have any real commitment to it. Other posts are just plain patronizing and annoying.

Anybody can post anything as a status. Look, here’s my typical Facebook status:

I am the Queen of Burundi and my father is a small salt cellar.

See? It’s just that easy. It’s not in the least bit believable, but it’s just that easy. I have no commitments to this status and its content whatsoever. So, without further ado, I present to you some of my favorite pseudo-causes floating around Facebook. I’m sure I’ll get more to add to the collection as time wears on.

#1: Get out the flag lapel pin and do your best to look patriotic.

A US military member is somewhere in the world tonight missing their family while you are safe at home. In the minute it takes to read this, military members all over the world are not only saving lives, but sacrificing their own for our freedom. It’s Military Appreciation Week…Repost this if you are or were in the military, love a military member, hold memories of a fallen hero, or appreciate our troops!

Yes, repost this status, as opposed to say…uh…writing your Congressperson or Representative and demanding the return of all U.S. soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan now. Or, if you’re a Rethuglican, actually putting your money where your cake hole is and demanding to have no more unfunded wars that add to the deficit and, most importantly, voting accordingly.

#2: We’re all alone out here…

A true friend doesn’t care when you’re broke, what you weigh, if your house is a mess, about your past, or if your family is filled with crazies…they love you for who you are. A true friend can go long periods of time without speaking to you & never question the friendship. Repost if…you have at least one true friend…

As opposed to calling them and inviting them to lunch, or offering to help them out around the house, offering them a favor or just dropping them a line to say “Hi.” I’m sure they appreciate this idiotic random status.

I am a very sad kitty with no friends.

#3: The only thing being a martyr gets you is dead.

To all the unselfish moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon cuts for ponytails, long baths for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags … and wouldn’t change a thing. Let’s see how many moms repost this. Moms who don’t care…about……..whatever they gave up, but… instead… LOVE what they get in return. Repost this if you’re a mom and LOVE YOUR KIDS.

I guess if you don’t repost that it means that you hate those little bastards. Hey, kids, did you know that I haven’t smiled since the day you were born? Don’t believe me? Look up my Facebook status, you little shits. Now get a job because Momma needs a designer hand bag.

I'll give you one arrow for every time you don't feel appreciated so you can feel like this at home.

#4: ANY cause célèbre or cause du jour:

Autism is a legitimate disorder that affects 1 in 200 children. There is no known cause or cure for autism. Please repost this status if you are affected by or know someone who is affected by autism.

This one applies to ADHD, breast cancer, herpes, vitiligo, hell anything with the possible exception being illiteracy. If you’re illiterate, you’re shit outta luck in the status department.

Just tell me what the damn sign says, will you?

#5: Guilt assuaging via social media

My parents were MEAN to me when I was a kid! They made me do chores, go to church and school. They gave me a curfew, made me get a job and work for the things I wanted. They insisted that I do my best at school and my job and take pride in my work. I grew up with morals, a good work ethic and respect………for the law. I thank my MEAN parents everyday!!! (copy and paste if you agree).

I’m sure you do. I’m sure you got off the phone with your sainted mother just long enough to queef out that status. Hooray for you. Either you’re full of shit, or you’re sucking up for some reason. Somebody get me a bucket, I have to throw up.

You and me both, dog. Now get outta the way, I'm coming through!

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Posted in Musings on Mediocracy | No Comments »

Looking For A Sign

Friday, June 4th, 2010

I’m always looking for a sign. I want to recapture the wonder of my youth and the fervor of a zealot. Okay, that’s just some bullshit, but it sounds a lot better than, I’d look for a mystical divine sign, but I’ll probably just end up finding something like this:

Don’t worry, I won’t. I am tired. It’s Friday, and I don’t feel like talking. I’m sure you don’t feel like reading. That’s too bad, because these signs could save your life.

I’d pay attention to this one. Steel is harder than your skull.

Some things go without saying.

Welcome to California.

Of course, you can’t pick the governor. Well, technically you can, but you’re really at the mercy of your fellow constituents. And those people, well, let’s just say they may need a sign as profound as this:

I guess that means the kid who just fell in won’t become the Toxic Avenger. Well that’s a load off my mind.

The problem with falling in a vat of toxic waste (other than the obvious lack of super powers) is you could end up dead. However, we here in America are fiercely independent and don’t want anybody to tell us what to do. We should have the right to do what we want when we want how we want. Then we can sue somebody when we get totally PWNED from our own stupidity. I’m dedicating this sign to those rugged individuals:

Really, it's your choice.

Of course, if you do die, please keep your table clean:

Sometimes signs aren’t there for your safety so much as the convenience of the harried staff that works there.

This is a university. We did not teach you how to read, therefore you are unqualified to re-shelve books.

You know, I think I’ll just figure this out on my own, thanks.

Signs are all around you. Some are non-negotiable. Take this sign in our lab:

Believe that sign, I do.

However, this is America, and nobody can take away your right to be an idiot. Just keep in mind that if you fuck yourself up, you could face serious consequences, like sick zoo animals.

You could still end up dead, and unfortunately, we’re going to have to fine you for that.

And who knows what the hell prompted this one:

If only there was useful sign, something that has information vital to the very survival of the human race.

No, I’m serious about this. Why the hell would I need this sign posted?

Oh. I think I’ll just turn the car around. But that doesn’t mean the information won’t come in handy.

California is one of the most aggravating places to drive. While I’m in the car running from the zombie apocalypse I think most street signs become negotiable. However, in the event that the dead stay in their graves, I think everyone should obey all signs and placards, even if they need a friendly reminder:

That does it. I’m going home to start drinking early. As we Americans are all too fond of saying:

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Posted in Stupidnatural Phenomenon | No Comments »