Posts Tagged ‘Scientific’

Everyone’s Entitled to My Opinion

Friday, September 24th, 2010

This one’s just a quickie because it weighs heavily on my mind right now. No thrills, frills or Lady CaCa (she’s so fabulous, though, I have to begrudgingly admit) videos. I’m thinking about friendship, even the insubstantial ones that occur on line. Here it is: I recently got dumped on Facebook by several friends. Why?

My Status.

Yes, it’s just that simple. You see, there’s an ugly phenomenon in this country right now where people attack Muslims for no reasons. Mosques have been burned, groups burn copies of the Q’uran, and thousands are protesting the NOT AT ALL a mosque being built NOWHERE NEAR THE WTC SITE. Really, it’s not. I lived in NYC. You can’t see the site of the future community center from the WTC site. What you can see, however, is a “gentleman’s club” (aka titty bar), a McDonald’s, a site where they shot a reality TV show and dozens of souvenir stands. Hallowed ground my aching ass.

Back to the point. Every day during Ramadan I posted the daily Dura as my status. I did this in solidarity for my Muslim friends, the Muslim community and even total strangers who don’t deserve to have their mosque burned down by a bunch of ignorant assholes. No, I’m NOT a Muslim. I don’t believe in much besides gravity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the little lavender men in the sugar bowl.

Okay, I had to sneak at least one in.

People in this country spew off about how they have freedom of speech and can say whatever they want. That’s technically not true, but I’m not arguing Constitutional law today. I don’t have the energy. What is important is that the same people who go on and on about freedom of speech seem to sincerely believe that it also implies freedom from being offended or listening to somebody else’s ideas, opinions, religious views, etc. We’re all granted with freedom of speech in as much as it agrees with what they have to say. Even if what they say is a pile of steaming bullshit.

In a phrase: Everyone is entitled to MY opinion. Everyone else can face discrimination, hatred, verbal abuse or violence. After all, you have the right to defend your opinion, right? Right? Here’s another photograph. Sadly, it’s the world right before the venom spitting minority in the government decided that those bad people from the other religion were wrong, bad, dirty, foreign and too much of the “other” to be allowed to live among the “good” people.

Lest we forget.

They came first for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew.

Then they came for me
and by that time no one was left to speak up.

- Friedrich Gustav Emil Martin Niemöller

I’ve been to Dachau. I won’t forget. I won’t back down. I won’t fail to speak. I won’t stop standing in solidarity with those of us who really do know what the Constitution says, and really do want to defend it.

I hate conditional friendships. I wish I could get full disclosure from those people. “I’m a good, holy fundamentalist who’ll be your friend as long as you toe the line and don’t disagree with my warped interpretation of a religious text.” That would be a good start, then I could steer clear in the first place.

“I’m a good, holy, God-fearing Christian that believes God loves all men just so long as they are Christians who agree with my narrow-minded literal translation of mythology.” That could work too.

“Everyone’s entitled to my opinion.” That is self-evident.

I’m a scientist who has read the Bible, the Torah, the Vedas, the Q’uran, the Eightfold Path, the writings of Stephen Hawking and even some of the I Ching. That disturbs traditional fundamentalists. I can’t tell you what the truth is, I can only say that don’t even tell me you have an open mind if you don’t. In the mean time, we only have one more issue to address, and it’s a doozy.

I’m not trying to proselytize; I’m just saying they’re in there. You don’t want to take that lid off, trust me. The little lavender men won’t be your friend if you keep taking off the lid…

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Posted in Musings on Mediocracy | 1 Comment »

National Day of Science

Monday, August 9th, 2010

I want you to look at this fucking shit. American journalists have no balls and no propensity to report the facts. Good thing the Cold War ended and the Russians have come to our rescue.

That’s from Russian TV, by the way. Rent-a-cops and BP officials chase American reporters from the affected areas and threaten to arrest them. American prisons look like resorts compared to the gulag, and the Russians responded accordingly. This is just a diversion, I’m afraid. What I’m talking about is this:

Bow down before the one you serve; you’re going to get what you deserve.

Oh yes, I’m talking about the atrocity that the GOBP and right-wingers bitched about endlessly for days: the National Day of Prayer. Americans must recognize a national day of prayer, despite that whole separation of church and state thing outlined in its constitution. We must all stop and pray. It doesn’t matter if we pray to a can of Spam, we just need to spend the day in prayer and reflection. The result of this day of prayer is an abundance of miracles and prosperity for all. Don’t believe me? Look, prayer has ended Bush’s vanity wars with Iraq and Afghanistan:

Well, maybe not. I’m sure their families are completely fine with this after a few prayers. Who cares about the loss of a few thousand people? After all, it’s not the rich peoples’ kids, so it’s perfectly okay for them to die.

Prayer stopped the BP oil spill cold. Really, it did. Dipshit Palin told us it would. See? Everything’s fine now.

Ummm, well…maybe not. That duck is grateful, actually. Jesus granted his prayer for a free bath courtesy of a rescue organization.

The BP oil spill dragged on for months and an estimated total of 5 million barrels of oil now pollute waters and shores around the Gulf of Mexico. Our space program ends with a whimper this fall. There’s no cure for cancer, and people are trying to pray away Swine Flu rather than get a vaccine proven to prevent it. We can’t teach American kids evolution, hard science or math because it offends peoples’ religious sensibilities. At the same time we wonder why every one else in the world consider Americans world-class dullards and painfully backward idiots. Maybe it’s because we are. Here’s a thought. What if, and I’m just throwing this out here, instead of having a National Day of Prayer, we have a National Day of Science?

Science is fun.

What? You don’t like science? All scientists are insane? Atheists are godless, sinful people without morals or values? I would laugh, but you’d interpret that as insane Frankenstein laughter. Instead, I’ll let you watch this:

That’s a car powered by Diet Coke and Mentos candies. Scientists test out the strangest things. Here they’re testing the true power of the Diet Coke + Mentos combination. The car won’t win a NASCAR race any time soon, but you have to admit it’s pretty cool. Unlike the “ordinary” people, scientists don’t pray for solutions. We FIND THEM. How do they know to use Diet Coke and MINT flavored Mentos specifically? Well, they use something we call the “Scientific Method.”

Sorry about the rainbow colors. I know you religious types are completely uptight and unreasonable about certain *ahem* things.

These guys found the right combination through experimentation. If the truth must be told, any soda + MINT mentos = massive CO2 expulsion. It’s just that Diet Coke works better. Why? Aspartame + nucleated candy = explosion. You just have to have the patience to work through the problem. I know you don’t believe me, as you shouldn’t. But, in absence of performing your own experiments, take these guys’ word for it:

If you want to know what’s going on from beginning to end, using the Scientific Method:

The point of all of this is that solving problems involves time, thought, creativity and insight. Everything that happens around us follows distinct laws of physics and chemistry. I wish I could leave some room for “Oogie Boogie” reasoning or myth. The sad fact is; there’s not. Sometimes life is just that simple.

Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Yahweh, Apollo, Odin, et. al., are NOT here to solve our problems for us. The BP oil spill, proliferation of AIDS, widespread hunger, spread of invasive species, wholesale rape and destruction of the environment are created by humans. It’s now up to us to solve it. We won’t do it by praying and hoping for a solution. We CAN solve it by scientists, inventors and engineers developing solutions. To this end I say we really, really, REALLY need a National Day of Science.

If we had a National Day of Science, maybe they would have stopped the oil leak sooner, or better yet, had it never happen at all. Maybe we would have 80% efficient solar power generators by now. If Americans were enthusiastic about science, we could have a cure for Cancer. If Americans liked science and math, we’d have that whole long-distance space travel problem licked. We could have a practical solution to global warming, possibly even a method for restoring damaged ecosystems. Hell, we could solve the whole problem of why there’s 12 hot dogs in a pack and only 8 buns in a pack. The world could be our mollusk.

See, living proof that something good can come from a piece of irritating shit.

I want a National Day of Science. We need a National Day of Science. Superstition hasn’t solved any of our problems or changed the system so far. The world hasn’t become a more peaceful, productive and compassionate place after all that praying. I’m not saying to give up, but I am saying we need a different approach.

Holy Christ! You mean that prayer hasn't solved all our problems?

I’m not being unpatriotic, but like most scientists, I’m always willing to change my approach to any subject. Things could be much better. Hopefully, they won’t get much worse. (Click that last sentence to see just how far the rabbit hole really goes.)

What did the good, religious leaders in Congress say recently? Oh yeah, don’t help those poor bitches, they’re lazy fuckers enjoying life on the public doll and breeding like roaches to make more lazy fuckers. I hope they fucking starve, that’ll teach ‘em.

You just keep praying and let them starve. I just hope you’re praying your God has mercy on your souls.

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Alien Invasion

Monday, June 7th, 2010

I’m often asked as a scientist all kinds of interesting questions about the nature of life, the universe and everything. Of course, I’m also asked if I can cook meth quite a bit as well, so I don’t take very many inquiries seriously. However, I do think that we need to take a serious look at the possibility of intelligent life on other planets. Now, this tears me up. See, I’m still looking for some intelligent life on this planet, and I think we need to continue the search before worrying about those other planets. But, I love you, so I’ll indulge you for now. Okay, give me just a sec to whip out my big book of scary equations. I’ll be right back.

The possibility of life on Mars, is of course, zero. We know, we checked. That whole face on Mars thing and canals is just a bunch of horseshit. I won’t embarrass myself or insult your intelligence by addressing it. No, we actually have a means by which we can determine the chances of life cropping up elsewhere. It’s called The Drake Equation, and it goes a little something like this:

N = R x fp x ne x fl x fi x fc x L

R is the rate at which stars have been born in the Milky Way per year, fp is the fraction of these stars that have solar systems of planets, ne is the average number of “Earthlike” planets (potentially suitable for life) in the typical solar system, fl is the fraction of those planets on which life actually forms, fi is the fraction of life-bearing planets where intelligence evolves, fc is the fraction of intelligent species that produce interstellar radio communications, and L is the average lifetime of a communicating civilization in years. (Thanks www.paddysinspace.com, I needed the abridged definition. Physicists have no sense of humor.)

You know, if they just used Google maps, they wouldn’t keep ending up in Kansas.

Okay, if you fill in the blanks up there, plug and chug, you come up with a number that is either very low: i.e. good probability; or a number that is astronomically high: slim to none. Yep, it’s just that simple and just that damned annoyingly hard to pin down. It’s all in how you use the numbers, and believe me, the whole discipline of statistics is about how to lie using numbers. So what’s the answer? Well…we uh…just don’t know. Man, this is just plain awkward. While I recover from this, here’s a completely unrelated picture of a Nene, the endangered state bird of Hawaii.

Oh, they’re all that cute until they try to eat you. That is my actual hand. It bit me not more than half a minute after this picture was taken. Yes, I poked my finger at it. Yes, sometimes I’m just that dumb.

I walked it off and I’m doing better, thanks for asking. So where does this leave us? Is there really no possibility of life elsewhere in the universe? I don’t know about you, but I would like to believe there is. Now, the physics of interstellar travel are mind-bogglingly complex and require technology we can’t even fathom yet. That having been said, I just can’t give up hope yet. I hear stories about alien abduction, UFOs and close encounters all the time (as do you). It’s hard to tell who to believe, but it has to be said that the earth is not without evidence of alien invasion. Here, check this out:

You can’t tell me something like this originated on earth. Ick.

I don’t even know what that is, but if I found it in my house, I’d call the government five minutes before moving out. Forget the pest control company; you need the purifying power of fire to cleanse the place of something like that. Here, look at this. I think these things are close cousins to whatever the hell that thing is up there:

Silverfish. My friend figures that they must eat shit because he always finds them hanging around the toilet.

It could be worse; I could open the rickety old cabinets in this place and find something like this:

What? Another freeloader? Damn, can’t you things at least pitch in a little rent around here?

That would never happen, of course. Those cabinets are made of very sturdy solid wood. An alien trapped in my kitchen cabinets would probably crash through the water damaged shelves and land in the crawl space. Provided it didn’t get attacked by the cats and eaten by woodlice and silverfish first.

This whole invasion concept does make one wonder about the very origins of life itself. There’s a contingency that sincerely believes that all life on earth is the product of genetic engineering by aliens. We are, in fact, not native species, but transplants from ancient alien civilizations that have visited the earth. I guess it’s no harder to believe than the traditional Biblical creation story. Maybe I can just make everyone happy here and hybridize the two. I can factor in a little *gasp* science, propose a minor amount of evolution (eek!), and make sense out of everything.

Here goes. First the aliens visited our gentle, developing planet. They left behind their spawn and a grand genetic plan.

That looks about just right.

Eventually, through genetic tinkering, a few millennia and a whole lot of liquor, the human race became the grand spectacle the aliens were shooting for.

Uhhh, maybe not.

Like most theories, this is just a work in progress. I’m sure I can refine, revise and re-formulate as I get more information. In the mean time, don’t ever let it be said that there’s no proof of life elsewhere in the universe. For all we know, they may already be here.

They’re already here…it’s too late…they’re already here…

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Science As An Article of Faith

Monday, May 24th, 2010

Being a scientist living in the land of religious lunacy, I’m often asked what I believe in. My stock answer to this is “Gravity.” After all, you just can’t escape it. Don’t believe me? Try to make the egg you just dropped levitate before it hits the floor or stop yourself when you’re half way to the ground from an uncomfortable height. Gravity’s a bitch, and it will get you every time. This is truly something you can believe in.

That had to hurt, and believe me, those people would have become instant atheists if it would negate the effects of gravity. See? I’m thinking of a clever advertising slogan here: Gravity: Finally there’s something to believe in.

I’m a chemist. Well, let me clarify. I’m an American chemist, which means I can design and make the drugs, I just can’t sell them. It goes without saying that I don’t have much use for theories you can’t prove and phenomena you can’t replicate. I also don’t have much use for people harassing me about how I “just have to believe” something, “have faith in things unseen”, or “need the _______ (Fill in deity of your choice, except Cthulhu. That guy’s just a bastard.) in my life.” I don’t buy any of this, and I make no apologies for it.

This is not to say my life is entirely devoid of faith. See, I have tons of faith in things unseen. When I do an enzyme assay, I have to take it on faith the enzyme is in there, because I can’t actually see it. I have to have faith that a color change indicates a chemical reaction took place. A lot of science takes place on paper, white boards and in the heads of individuals. You have to have faith in the math. No easy task.

Hmmm. I think it may be missing an exponent.

At the risk of boring the vast majority of you who all too readily recognize the above equation, let me do a little explaining to the new initiates. What you see above you is a portion (only a portion) of the equation that explains the existence of alternate realities. It helps explain the universe’s response to paradox. It tells us a little bit about how an object is not really there until we turn around and observe it.

Particles and cats can be sneaky things. You never know if they’re going to be there.

The above elementary musing is a portion of the String Theory equation. String Theory and quantum theory are intimate and incestuous. It makes me feel dirty just thinking about it. You can barely separate them, but they are, technically, different disciplines. One other thing: both take approximately one assload of faith to accept. The door to the universe one atom away from you is always open; you just have to have faith in the math. But think about this for a minute and tell me it doesn’t take your mind to wondrous places. You can see the past, the future, the world where the glass repairs itself after being broken or the world after the Allies lost World War II. Don’t worry if you’re a failure in this life, because in another string you’re actually the King of Sweden. Neato.

Of course, maybe we’re just pulling this out of our asses.

That just about sums it up.

Well, no matter. You don’t need to be a physicist to appreciate the sense of wonder the universe can instill. Here, take a look at this:

Antenna Galaxy

That’s a galaxy, and it’s a real object. If you have a mighty radio telescope, you can see it for yourself. Right now, we just have to leave it up to Hubble and the Internet. Look at it and tell me you don’t have faith in something grander than yourself. The thing is, unlike rule books written by perfectly fallible human beings or supposed miracles barely witnessed by anyone, this thing is hardcore reality. There it is; hanging around the cosmos, minding its own business, completely oblivious to your presence. It does not give a shit about you. Giving a shit about you is what we would consider “Well BENEATH Its Pay Grade.” It’s larger than your mind can comprehend. Nobody has to “believe” it’s there, we can see it’s there. Faith made simple.

Okay, now that the religious zealots have called me all sorts of names, bragged loudly about how they’re all praying for me and left the building, let’s take a minute to calm down, clear our heads, and think this thing through one last time.

Nam-myo-renge-kyo. See, I feel better already.

I believe my enzyme is in there. I believe in LeChatlier’s Principle. I believe there are 6.02 x 10^23 particles in a mole. I believe in that nebula. I believe the cat will be there when I open the box. Science is faith. Religion is rules and semantics. Don’t ever tell a scientist that s/he lives a godless life devoid of faith and hope. Far from it. We all believe in something larger than ourselves, otherwise, why go to work every day?

A religious icon for the ages.

I love you and want the best for you, so I’m leaving you that very special religious ceremony. It’s been passed down among our people for about a century. Now you can believe in LeChatlier’s Principle too. Safety tip: you’re not going to want to drink those when you’re finished with them. It’s one thing to believe in the practical and wonder-inspiring. It’s another thing to drink the magic Kool-Aid.

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Chemistry Student and the Thesis of Doom

Tuesday, May 11th, 2010

So, I’m a biochemistry student, and I’m currently working on my master’s thesis. Now, I’m not the typical student, so I don’t appreciate that type casting. I’m old, I’m miserable, and I’m not trying to get into heaven anymore. I don’t spend weekends plastered off my ass and I have never seen an episode of Jersey Shore, The O.C. or whatever the hell else kids are watching these days. What I have seen, sort of, is this:

Mammalian Epoxide Hydrolase. That miserable little bastard.

Thank you Protein Data Bank. You can visit the Protein Data Bank too; I left you a link in the margins of the page. I’ll wait; I know it could take a while. If you’re not scientifically minded, start by typing in a common protein name. I’d go with albumin or lipase or something simple. Go ahead try it; then come back. I’ll be here.

Back so soon? I think I put too much faith in you people. I didn’t put that link there for my health, you know. Just try it once, that’s all I ask. Anyhoo, I’m writing my thesis on how to make epoxide hydrolase in the lab and how to tell if it’s working or not. Here’s the problem: I don’t know if it’s working. So far I have not been able to develop a single test to see if it’s working. Now, I have nothing to write about. No successful thesis began with the words, “After working in the lab for two years, I can say with a fair amount of accuracy that I am an abject failure in figuring out if the damn thing works.”

Although, to be fair, there’s ways to say that without actually admitting what an abject failure I actually am. However, I’d really rather not go into that. Now, I know what you’re thinking, because it only makes sense at this point. You’re thinking, “Well, how do you even know it’s in that test tube? I mean, it’s not like you can actually see it in there, and if it’s not doing anything, it just stands to reason…”

You’re right. No, no, you’re absolutely right. So I did some SDS-PAGE gels. The pretty blue line appears if your protein is in there. Here’s my gel. I’ve had better. Yeah, all that crap you see on forensics files is the scientists telling the interns and undergrads to run that shit until they see something absolutely perfect. I’m not so lucky. I don’t have any undergrads.

It’s there, but the damn thing won’t work.
I tried an alphabet soup of tests to see if I could get it to work – it won’t work.
I tried re-folding dialysis – it won’t work.
I tried changing pH, temperature, buffer and co-factors – it won’t work.
I tried begging it – it won’t work.
I tried crying about it – it won’t work.
I tried bribing it – it won’t work.

Remember that big scene where Indiana Jones runs from the big rolling ball in the temple? It looked like this, only it didn’t involve a giant LEGO ball and wasn’t totally fake.

The whole time I watched the original I kept thinking, “Why doesn’t he just lay flat and let the ball pass over him on those ramps?” Seriously. Why didn’t he just do that? Was it the panic of the moment? The rush of adrenaline? Or maybe it was Spielberg telling him that if he didn’t play along he wouldn’t work in that town again. I don’t know. All I know is that the giant ball is coming, but unlike the movies, I don’t have anywhere to duck.

I also don’t have much to say. Maybe I could just try to bullshit my way through this, or write something like, “I like ponies,” and I could squeak by on mental disability. I fear I may not be so lucky. (Although those that know me also know that there’s some merit to the mental disability argument.) There’s a cruel irony to all of this. Here, you want to have nightmares tonight? Look at this:

Schrodinger Wave Equation for Hydrogen. Be afraid, be very afraid.

I’ve had to solve this for at least two dimensions on a one-electron molecule. Yes, it’s just as confusing and diabolical as it sounds. However, once you see the actual proof, the results are not hard to replicate. You see, that nasty piece of business there is actually a road map to success.

The damn enzyme is not. It still doesn’t work. There’s no road map, and those that have published are annoyingly silent on how exactly they managed to get their assays to work. I’m open for suggestions. If not, I think I may have to resort to haiku:

Enzyme does not work
Beating head against a wall
Thesis still eludes

Cut me some slack, it’s a work in progress.

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