Posts Tagged ‘politics’

Voting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Monday, October 25th, 2010

Times marches on inexorably to November 2, Election Day in the state of California. If you live in California, I don’t need to tell you what a hot mess every ballot is. If you don’t live here, be grateful nobody will confront you with a three-page (legal size) ballot stuffed full of obscure political races and up to 24 ballot measures (give or take depending on your county). I’m taking a break from reading Ballotopedia to spout off about this for a minute.

The ballot initiative plagues California. Thanks to ballot initiatives it’s basically impossible to raise taxes in this state, get any money from big oil and gas companies that come here to drill and destroy the coastline, pass a budget or fund essential services. Why is California broke? Because the voters decided that it was more important for multi-millionaires and billionaires to not pay taxes on their estates than it was to adequately fund social services.

Now, for the idiots who start the whole hysterical screaming about how this country is so socialist we might as well be goose-stepping, I challenge you to actually look that term up to see what it really means. No, Shithead Beck, Dipshit Palin and every other rich fuck that has managed to brainwash you isn’t right. That’s okay; I don’t expect you to believe me. Just go ahead and look it up, I’ll wait.

Back so soon? Okay, I hope you read at least some of that. Bottom line: if you’ve ever driven down a public road, collected unemployment, went to a public hospital, used police or fire services, went to a public school, used the post office or used Medicare/Medical, you’re a damn, dirty socialist. That’s right, you, my friend, are a socialist. So, enough of that bullshit. Now stop your whining.

Back to the ballot measures. I’m not sure how the average human is supposed to cut through all the nonsense and make an intelligent decision. Ballot initiatives are mob rule, plain and simple. Mostly out of state organizations and individuals place some stupid-ass initiative on the ballot that will favor big business (Prop 24 2010), status quo (Prop 26 2010) or foster some type of religious bullshit discrimination (Prop Hate 2008). When will people wake up to this? It never ceases to amaze me how easily the American public is cowed into voting against its own self-interest.

Courtesy of Michael Dal Cerro

Sometimes the measures make no sense whatsoever. Take this year’s Propositions 20 and 27. Here’s the wording for each from the actual California ballot:

Proposition 20: Redistricting of Congressional District. Initiative Constitutional Amendment. Removes elected representatives from process of establishing congressional districts and transfers that authority to recently-authorized 14-member redistricting commission comprised of Democrats, Republicans and representatives of neither party. Fiscal impact: No significant net change in state redistricting costs.

Proposition 27: Eliminates State Commission on Redistricting. Consolidates authority for redistricting with elected representatives. Initiative Constitutional Amendment and Statute. Eliminates 14-member redistricting commission. Consolidates authority for establishing state Assembly, Senate, and Board of Equalization districts with elected representatives who draw congressional districts. Fiscal Impact: Possible reduction of state redistricting costs of around $1 million over the next year. Likely reduction of these costs of a few million dollars once every ten years beginning in 2020.

Did you catch that? Yeah, so did I. So…uh…what happens if both ballot measures pass? Do the 14-member commission and elected representatives do Rock, Paper, Scissors for the right to re-district? How about a good old fashioned tug ‘o war? Maybe they could arm wrestle. Who knows? I hope voters are smart enough to stop letting the professional politicians draw the districts, but since this is California, I doubt that will happen. I’m not endorsing either proposition, but I’m just throwing out the possibility that politicians might have to face layoffs and long-term unemployment for a change. After all, how many of us can just change the entire company or business around us so that it’s impossible to get fired? Right then.

Here’s another example of Californians’ right to shoot themselves in the foot:

Proposition 26: Requires that certain state and local fees be approved by two-thirds vote. Fees include those that address adverse impacts on society or the environment caused by the fee-payer’s business. Initiative Constitutional Amendment. Fiscal Impact: Depending on decisions by governing bodies and voters, decreased state and local government revenues and spending (up to billions of dollars annually). (Emphasis added by me.) Increased transportation spending and state General Fund costs ($1 billion annually).

Why is California broke? Why? Why, oh why, is California broke? I’d like to point out the deficit hawk Rethuglicans and big oil are responsible for that little debacle up there. Problem is, most Californians (Americans for that matter) are so damn averse to any sort of tax or funding that they will just see that and automatically vote for it without pondering the consequences.

Why didn’t they clean up the oil spill? Prop 26. Why can’t we fund job training? Prop 26. Why do these roads suck? Prop 26. Why did California’s budget increase billions of dollars? Prop 26. You can thank Chevron for this.

So cut spending. Right? It’s just that simple. Cut spending! You still want roads you can drive on and you want your kids leaving the California school system at least partially literate? (That’s a pipe dream). You may just think about pulling a dollar bill or two out your ass. You can’t get something for nothing, but here we go again, allowing big business to goad us into shooting ourselves. Nice. I want to be an oil executive when I grow up.

The California Constitution has been amended 540 times since 1879. Let me say that again so it sinks in. THE CALIFORNIA CONSTITUTION HAS 540 AMENDMENTS. Is that not the sign that something is seriously fucked up here? Say you get a flat tire. You put a patch on it, hit the road, and travel on. Say the same tire goes flat again. You put a second patch on it, hit the road, and hope to get to a tire dealership. Now, picture that same damn tire getting busted up 540 times. Do you still try to put a patch on it and carry on? Change the fucking tire. Don’t add another amendment, change the fucking tire. Good luck fellow voters, choose wisely.

Don’t sweat it; it’s only patch #541. We can get at least another 100,000 miles on it.

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Hair of Authority

Friday, June 18th, 2010

I’ve thought long and hard about what makes a truly great leader. I thought about the person’s ability to solve problems, maintain calm during an emergency, inspire others and have true empathy (*GASP*) for others. Then I thought, “Fuck it. These things don’t have a damn thing to do with a person’s ability to lead. Well, at the very least, they don’t have anything to do with being elected.” That’s right; it’s time to face the sick, sad truth. When it comes to leadership, qualifications are all in the hair. Check this out:

Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, but you knew that already.

This is Josef Stalin. He was a murdering asshole and ruled the newly hatched Soviet empire with an iron fist for over three decades. He killed a quarter of his country’s population and still managed to send the Nazis packing in WWII. This crazy ass son of a bitch kept a piece of Hitler’s skull on his desk to use as a fucking paperweight. Rumor has it he also had tertiary phase syphilis tucked in behind his third testicle. But that’s not what we’re looking at here. We’re checking out that fabulous ‘do. Go ahead, scroll back up and peruse that photo at your leisure. Lick the screen if you have to. That, my friends, is the hair of authority.

Lest you think I’m just blowing smoke up your asses, I want to take you on a quick photo tour of the Hair of Authority. (HOA from now on. No dues on this type of HOA, just lots of Aqua Net.) If you don’t believe me that this is THE hairstyle to have, check out St. Ronnie:

The best years a president will NEVER remember.

St. Ronnie was one of the shittiest governors the state of California has ever seen, barring Schwarzenegger. However, people loved him, canonized him and gleefully overlooked the fact that he ruled the country while Alzheimer’s slowly devoured his brain and his jelly beans. His secret? Hair of Authority, of course. People notice the HOA and respond accordingly. This isn’t an American thing. It’s an obsessive attraction that has swept the globe. Take Ronald Reagan’s partner in crime, Margaret Thatcher.

The only thing she was never conservative about was her over-zealous use of Final Net.

Even Indira Ghandi caught the HOA wave in her heyday:

She’s catching on to how to really make India a world power.

If you’re on a quest for power, or would just like to be a dictator in your down time, you could always be ordained supreme leader of a country when you’re four years old. If you didn’t get that title or a pony for your fourth birthday, you can always change your hair. It worked for our Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il.

I think he needs some of that spray shine stuff. Not quite up to world leader standards yet, but in his defense, he does live in an isolated Third-World country.

I want to introduce you to a local celebrity who’s a total famewhore. He’s on the quest for political greatness, notoriety and the presidency. I know he’s going to make it. Just look at that hair:

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom. Look over your shoulders, conservatives, he’s aiming a lighter at your shitty tresses.

Look at that. They all have the same hair. I just look at that and think that if these men and women were “ordinary” we would all be dismissing them with a thought such as, “What kind of Eddie Munster shit is happening with that hair? Was there a sale on Dippity Do at the dollar store or some shit?” You know you would, provided you’re old enough. If you’re a kiddie, take a look at my man, Eddie Munster.

Look at that hair at the risk of being moved to tears. That is some hair for the ages.

I think we can all come to the conclusion that if you want to be taken seriously in the political arena, you gotta get out your VO5, gel, and a comb and pompadour the hell out of that mess on top of your head. This is not negotiable. It worked for these men, it worked for Elvis, and it will work for you. Don’t just stand there, jog over to this link and check that shit out. I’ll wait. Here’s a picture of Johnny Cash sporting one of the most fucking-over-the-top awesomest pompadours ever.

http://coolmenshair.com/2008/11/johnny-cash-pompadour.html

Get the hair down first, then you can dress in all black. You don’t want to end up looking ridiculous, do you?

Hair plays a vital part in politics. In fact, it became apparent that at least one California senate candidate plans to run on the “Don’t vote for the bitch with the whack hair” platform. Ironically, this shit is coming from a woman who just got out of chemotherapy. Like we don’t notice that the shitty carpet on your head is some road kill you scraped off the 405, Carly Fiorina.

Sadly, some people are not destined for political greatness. I mean, look at this shit:

Billy Ray Cyrus. Don’t tell his achy-breaky heart that his hair spells out a life in the service industry.

This man will never become president. It’s not just because his daughter is a talentless skank. It’s because the man walked into the barber shop and asked the poor man to do every single jacked up thing imaginable to his hair. Frosted tips? Yes! Mullet? Check! Cum on top of the “party in front” to cement it in place? Certainly! Yes, Mr. Barber, just fuck up my hair in every way humanly possible. Seriously, I want to look like that drunken asshole that falls off the bleachers while trying to catch a free t-shirt from the t-shirt cannon at a NASCAR rally.

This is another man that will never become president:

No, really, it looks perfectly natural. The part is just perfect.

See what’s wrong with that picture? Of course you do, the man’s glasses could pick up cable. I bet he’s watching free pay per view on his laptop thanks to those things. Coke bottles aside, I bet he could do with a really good pompadour. This hair thing is so serious; it can lead an entire nation to think differently about…everything. Take a look at the UK, for example.

This just has to go. Nobody can respect that much grey. Pssst, Tony? Yeah, it’s called ‘Just for Men.’

The UK needed an upgrade. Dear God, they finally got one. It took some bargaining, a coalition government and a lot of gel. Here’s the new British Prime Minister, uh, well, nobody seems to know this guy’s name, but just look at that fantastic hair:

I just want to shine a flash light on that to see if I can see my reflection.

Upgrade! Candidates, be forewarned. Well–gelled is well-armed. If you don’t get that shit slicked back properly, the terrorists win. No, I don’t know what the hell that means, but I mean it.

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Posted in Musings on Mediocracy | 3 Comments »

Hypocrite Highway

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

I’m gobsmacked and at a loss for words. This is such a rare occasion that I think I’m just going to sit down and take a few minutes to soak it all in. Tell you what, while I sit here shaking my head choking back cynical laughter, how about you take a road trip? Go ahead, I want you to put on your chastity belts, light a cigarette, go tell your kids to do as you say not as you do and get up on your high horses, because we’re checking out the sights along the Hypocrisy Highway.

Oh, where to start? Well, let’s start with those infamous “family values.” Does anybody really know what the fuck that actually means? Can anybody define it? I think the answer may sound a little like this: “Uh, uh, uh, well, you know what family values are. They’re values you want your family to have, you know, like what you want your kids to do and stuff. It has to do with family. It means like, going to church and waiting till you’re married and stuff?”

Nice waffle. Did you catch that too? As we say in old Oaktown, “Yeah. I ain’t buyin’ that shit either.”

Family values as defined by politicians, particularly the GOP:
1. NO GAY RIGHTS WHATSOEVER. Seriously, if you’re gay, you deserve to be beaten. Jesus would want this, and so should you.
2. Only heterosexual intercourse allowed within the bonds of holy matrimony. No exceptions.
3. No use of drugs, alcohol, marijuana or any other substances permitted. Excess use of prescription painkillers is perfectly okay as long as you have the money to doctor shop for the “right” kind of doctor.
4. Nuclear families only. There will be no divorces, no marital strife, no emo children, no deviants, no miscreants, no college drop-outs and no misconduct of any sort (unless, of course, your last name is Bush). Ugly children are not permissible under any circumstances. Family required to be as photogenic as possible.
5. No views outside of traditional Victorian values permitted. All opinions must be extremely mainstream, offend no one, make no real sense and have mass appeal. (Case in point, somebody define “smaller government” for me. It’s as bad as “family values.”)
6. Religion is MANDATORY. You MUST BE A CHRISTIAN. Any other religion or worldview will simply NOT be tolerated. Period.
7. Family should be white. Not always, but Caucasian is the preferred vehicle for child rearing. (No, they’re not racist, they’re just…white.)

Now that we all know the rules of the road, take a trip down memory and hypocrisy lane.

George 'I'm Not Gay, I Just Suck Cock From Time to Time' Rekers

A fine, recent addition to the collection of hypocrites from the right wing, this piece of shit worked day and night non-stop to push fraudulent research that declared gays and lesbians mentally incompetent to raise children. A tireless fighter against “the gay,” Rekers strove to maintain his Godly, upstanding lifestyle. Until this, of course.

They look like they want to carry your luggage, or your package, at the very least.

You don’t have to be gay to be seen along this road, but it sure does help. But, lest it be said I’m not being fair to heteros, here’s stop number two. This man belongs to the religious zealots behind the U.S. government known as the C Street Group. These men can do no wrong, because Jesus has ordained them as leaders. No matter what they do: perform gross ethics violations, use drugs, use Congress to impose their religious views on the American public against the Constitution or keep a stable full of mistresses at their disposal, they have the blessing of Jesus. Jesus likes them more than you or me, and they can fuck at will (provided it’s somebody of the opposite sex, of course).

There's something missing in this picture. Oh, yeah, it's the mistress from Argentina! How on earth could we forget?

Of course, if you feel you must go gay, it’s always best to load up on meth first. There’s nothing like a good “massage” when you’re tweaking. Didn’t this smiling bundle of hypocrisy say that fundamentalists have the best sex life? I bet the meth and recreational Viagra have something to do with it. This is our good friend and shepherd for the Lord, Ted Haggard. He has great family values, he just needed a little pick me up.

He heard the voice of Jesus the entire time. It was telling him try OC next time.

Sometimes you don’t want to go in for that old, haggy look. When you tap some subordinate ass, it should be young, juicy and tender. But not gay. No, definitely not gay. In fact, all legislation that would advance the rights of the gay community should be voted down at every turn. You can’t support that shit, even if you’re…well…gay. Right, Rep. Foley?

Needed: page to service a distinguished, older gentleman. Must be gay, but not interested in own civil rights.

I loves me some scandal. The least this asshole could have done was advance the cause of other gays. Closeted bigot pedophile.

Okay, let’s just put the rainbow flag away for now. After all, we can’t limit our sight-seeing tour to just gays. We might miss the lawbreakers. You don’t want to miss the scofflaws, do you? Well, neither did this guy:

Ace crime fighter Elliott Spitzer. Tip to Mr. Spitzer: pay for your ho's in cash.

Do as he says, not as he does, you damn, dirty criminal. Those laws are in place to protect you and give him endless recreational opportunities. Seriously, you put your money down for a BJ, and that’s pandering. If he does it, I’m sure it’s job research.

For a refreshing change of pace, let’s just look at the sleaze bags. Was the Contract With America supposed to include 84 ethics violations? If I bounce 22 checks anywhere, including the Post Office, I’d be in jail. Well, I’m sure that he was just forgetful. You know, when you’re busy managing Congress, screwing the taxpayers and fucking some broad behind your wife’s back, who has time to balance the check book?

His name is Newt. In a remarkable display of foresight, his mother named him Newt.

Oh, oh, oh, here’s a recent addition. Tip from your friend here at The Poison Forest. If you’re going to make a video promoting abstinence education, don’t have your mistress interviewing you during it. It looks a little…awkward.

Mark Souder supports abstinence. For you, not him.

Do as he says, NOT at he does. No sex outside of marriage for you. You could end up with crabs or something. Or possibly a damn embarrassing video about sex in which everybody is fully clothed.

I think we might just be at the end of the road here…wait…

And here we…oh, Christ. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Just 'cuz I do weed and fuck stoners doesn't mean y'all hafta do it, y'all.

Seriously, who the fuck are you kidding?

I need to take a minute here to point out that this whole road trip doesn’t have to happen in the first place. I mean, for one thing, Americans can just come to grips with the fact that people are fucking. No, I’m not saying that in a nicer, more genteel manner. Deal with it. People are fucking. They aren’t abstinent, never were abstinent and don’t plan to be abstinent.

Now, breaking the law is another thing entirely. That’s not so much a family value thing as a “You broke the fucking law and need to answer for it just like the rest of us” thing. In the mean time, here’s something to ponder.

Ribbed, smooth, lubricated, extra large, flavored, colored and glow in the dark all for your pleasure. Dig in, everybody.

These don’t reinforce your “family values” or “good Christian traditions.” They will save your life. Think of them as life preservers for your cock. If the people on the Titanic had a shitload of them, they could’ve inflated them and used them as rafts. Everybody would have survived. Now that’s a value you can believe in.

And while I’m on the subject, if you must remain abstinent (and nobody does, really), try a few of these on for size. Hey, while I’m pissing people off, why not include a cornucopia of rainbow-colored cocks for everybody to enjoy? Cheers.

Taste the rainbow. Go ahead, nobody's looking.

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Posted in Musings on Mediocracy | 2 Comments »