I’ve never been a cheery or optimistic person, but I think I have a plan to change all that. Now, before you ask, I’ve been on all the happy pills you could possibly imagine. Happy pills tend to have some negative side effects, not the least of which is the sensation that your brain is being fried by sudden, unexpected jolts of electricity. They also cost a lot of money in both the long and short term. Happy pills don’t work right away. You need to give them at least four to six weeks to kick in. You also can’t just quit them: the entire balance of the quantum universe depends on you being on them for years. You don’t want to be the one responsible for the actual death of Schrodinger’s cat, do you? So it’s a long-term investment. In the short term, there’s big pharma’s bottom line to think about. Let’s face it; Prozac is now available in generic, and what pharmaceutical company wants to sell it at a whopping’ $10 a pop? No, you need the newest and the best money can buy. You need to spend a lot of money; otherwise, suicide will be the least of your worries, what with your brain being melted to the back of your skull and all. That means $12 per pill advancement in technology. You can’t trust your brain to cheap crap that’s been available and sort of working for 20 years. You want latest in artificial happiness, in spite of the fact there’s no guarantee it’s going to be any safer or better than the $10 per month crap.
Or, you can consider my plan. I have a novel new treatment for mental disorder I like to call the “Cat Shit Lobotomy.” Now bear with me while I go all medical history on you for a minute. Cat feces contain a protozoan parasite called “toxoplasmosis.” This parasite can actually kill you. However, if you are NOT immunocompromised, you can get over it and lead a relatively healthy life. Toxoplasmosis infection is associated with schizophrenic and bipolar disorders in humans. While researchers can’t prove a direct causal relationship yet, a lot of people who hear voices have also ingested cat shit in the past. (Of course, if you’re ingesting cat shit, you have more mental issues than can be addressed in one doctor’s visit or a blog of questionable moral character.) If you don’t develop a catastrophic mental disorder that has you talking to Jesus or going into a rage and killing the family pet immediately followed by three months of suicide watch, you get to reap the benefits of toxoplasmosis. Women infected with toxoplasmosis tend to be, “more outgoing, friendly, more promiscuous, and are considered more attractive to men compared with non-infected controls.” (Wikipedia. I would never lie about this.) This is a considerable benefit compared to being labeled, oh, a “bitch on wheels.” I could use that. Really.
Now, if you’re reading this, you’re probably not so mentally deficient that you’re completely familiar with the concept of a lobotomy. Lobotomy is literally the destruction of sections of the pre-frontal cortex of the brain. It cures mental disorders as well as toilet training, the ability to add sums that add up to more than ten and most of your childhood is gone (But hell, you don’t really remember it being all that good anyway, do you?) The most infamous procedure is the “ice pick” lobotomy in which an ice pick or awl-shaped device is inserted into the nose and hit with a hammer until it punctures the skull and brain. “According to the Psychiatric Dictionary published in 1970 prefrontal lobotomy reduces: anxiety feelings and introspective activities; and feelings of inadequacy and self-consciousness are thereby lessened.” (Wikipedia again, thanks.) I could use that as well. Unfortunately, getting part of my brain hammered with a large metal spike lacks a certain amount of appeal. What to do, what to do…
I know, Cat Shit Lobotomy! I own two cats. Those two cats shit more times in one day than the average cow does in a month. There’s a 50/50 chance that one or both of them carry toxoplasmosis. All I need to do is figure out how to get all the benefits of the parasitic infection without the nastiness of dealing in cat shit. Let’s face it; NOBODY is going to volunteer to be exposed to all the joys and wonders of a fresh, steaming pile of kitty leftovers. (If they are, they need to go to a different page. Seriously. Go now, don’t come back.) So I need to figure out how to get fresh distilled toxoplasmosis out of a foul, unbearable resource. GMP logistics aside, wouldn’t that be the best option for those of us who want the benefits of lobotomy and/or happy pills without the expense and unrelenting seizures? I say scientists who are a lot smarter than me need to come up with a treatment using toxoplasmosis. Guys, who wouldn’t want the ladies to be friendlier and easier? Girls, who wouldn’t want a man with “low novelty seeking (aka, “no new ho’s”) drive? It’s all coming down to processing a resource that’s all too abundant: cat shit.
America demands that all of its citizens look on the bright side. The media pounds us everyday with the message we are all supposed to be happy, cheerful and optimistic no matter what the actual circumstances of our lives actually are. I for one can’t do that. However, with some remedial help, namely the Cat Shit Lobotomy, maybe I can be an unthinking, happy person too. I’d also get laid a lot, that’s a plus. So, if you’re not on board already, let the whole “handling feces” aspect of this go. We need to look past the negativity and vomit-inducing smell and figure out how best to use this abundant natural resource. The world is counting on us to be pioneers and not pacifists on this. Now get out your positive attitude and a kitty turd and get distilling. The cure for all the pessimists in the world is but a litter box away.