Do you see that? No, I could only wish that you see an ugly ceramic bear drinking a Coors Light because you had one too many martinis with lunch today. Oh no, my friend, that was for sale at a kiosk in the mall near where I used to live on the East Coast. I know that somewhere, somehow, somebody thought that this is the pinnacle of whimsical design elements. Nothing says Better Homes and Gardens than ugly, drunken wildlife. This design element looks perfect in any art gallery, living room furnished with Goodwill castoffs or trailer. Yes, I must admit that where I grew up, this is what high art actually looks like.
I’m no Martha (Stewart) or Christopher Lowell, but I know tacky when I see it. I would rather decorate with cat puke than have that piece of shit gracing my mantle. Now, I know what those of you who really know me are thinking. You’re thinking something along the lines of: “If that’s what makes them happy…” or “This is coming from the bitch with two tiki statues and an empty sake bottle on the mantle.” Yes, I have an empty bottle on the mantle. However, I need to point out that it’s a rather attractively painted bottle. Besides, if I ever need to spruce up, I can just quietly dispose of my décor in the recycling bin. Let’s take a trip back in time, shall we?
At some point in time, somebody thought it would be a great idea to have a fugly, singing plastic fish on his or her wall. I remember commercials with that damn fish in. They always played late at night, and I remember pondering how drunk one has to be for that to be in the least bit attractive. Can you imagine getting that shit for a gift? If there was no receipt in the box, you couldn’t be blamed for shoving it up the giver’s ass.
Big Mouth Billy Bass is the low point of décor, though. You have to keep in mind that the residents of rural America loves us some huntin’, fishin’ and beer drinkin’. Believe me, nothing says “house proud” like a decent and preferably large piece of taxidermy.
I know some of you are urbanites like me, and as such can’t afford to sacrifice an entire wall to a stuffed head. I mean, where else are you going to slap that olive green paint and yard sale wall sconces and call your place “retro”? No, you need something smaller and more understated.
And for those of you who need to combine the best of both worlds—taxidermy and animals drinking beer…
Remember the Home Interior Decorator’s parties of the 70’s and 80’s? Well, they’re still around, only now it’s called Celebrating Home. This was the company that convinced everyone that all it took to have a professionally designed look were some cheap metal wall sconces, mass produced paintings and pink silk flowers. I still see that in most of the homes back east. I think they think that this is how the “other half” decorates their homes. I’ve seen some seriously high end homes when I used to visit LA and West Hollywood, and not one of them had a scrap of that shit. I did see a lot of Buddha statues. Buddha is hott this season. There isn’t one Buddha to be found in these cozy rural homes, just some junk that you found in Grandma’s attic and decided that it was better than empty beer bottles.
I generally hate commercials, but going to a lot of those old farm houses put this commercial in mind, particularly the plastic covered furniture. Remember, the plastic is there so they don’t have to clean up after all that dirt you bring into their home (along with your bizarre aversion to taxidermy). It helps the furniture to stay nice!
The world is full of beautiful things. Unfortunately they seem to be in short supply around the old homestead. Well, when things look really bad, there’s always one view we can all enjoy.