I need to go off on a rant here, and it’s one I’ve visited many times before. This is not the first time I’m kicking this horse, and it certainly won’t be the last. I want you all to look at something. I want you to see the wicked, wicked enemy of Americans everywhere:
Oh, I’ve come face to face with him before. Nice guy, he’s the one that tends to bring the cheap tequila and drink everyone else’s top-shelf anything.
What’s wrong? You don’t recognize him? He’s not the Taliban, he’s not a Muslim cultural center a few blocks away from where the World Trade Center once stood, he’s not the secret socialist in your midst, and he’s not even the evil gay agenda. Who is it then? Well, that guy is Asmodeus, and if you believe the politicians and religious nutjobs that want to run your life while claiming to want to keep the government out of your personal business, he is a very, very bad man. (You can tell by the dog. If he was a good guy, he’d definitely own a Dachshund instead. Only good people own doxies.)
Why fear Asmodeus? Well, for one thing he’s the lord reigning over the second ring of hell. Another good reason to fear him is that he is the official demon of lust. Oh, yes, fear him indeed. After all, we all know that Americans don’t have sex, and if for some strange reason they do, they only have it in missionary position after they get married. We don’t endorse or promote sex, except in every advertisement, television show, movie and song known to mankind. We are a chaste and upright nation.
Denial is a river in Egypt.
No, since I’m a scientist and a skeptic and allowed to confront the demon haunted word head on, I’d like to make a profound statement. Human beings are fucking. There, I said it. No, I’m not going to be polite about this, find a nicer term, talk about how it should be loving and romantic, or waste time making a euphemism. Humans in general and Americans specifically are fucking. Okay, I’m going to leave you for a minute with your shock and awe, and then I’ll get back to it. In the mean time, enjoy this. When you’re ready, you can meet me down below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFYtvfBdBpY
Okay. Walk it off? Feel better? Good. Now, let’s get back to the important shit. People are fucking. There’s no getting around this, and I think we need to overcome our prudish behavior and denial about this. The reason I bring this up is because once again I find myself caught between two distinct worlds. World one is the straight-laced, tightly controlled, overly-religious world of many of my friends and family. The other is the world of the secular. Here’s where I dwell with scientists, scholars, professionals and practical people who have no damn use for the antiquated values and moral concepts of yesteryear. Dare we call it yestercentury?
In a world surrounded by sex on all sides why must we still pretend that we are all virgins when we get married, have no sexual fantasies, there’s no need for frank discussions about safe sex and the nation, particularly its leaders (political and religious) aren’t the biggest batch of fucking hypocrites ever to walk the earth? Oh wait, they aren’t fucking at all, that’s right. Everyone one of them wears this to work:
Yes, that vile thing is exactly what you think it is. Why don’t you try it on for size, after all, that’s what our hypocritical society tells you to do.
Remember this fuckhead?
That hypocritical dickbag is Mark Souder. The woman is his mistress Tracy Jackson. Yeah, when they’re not talking about the importance of abstinence only education and abstinence, they’re fucking. Yes, they’re fucking. I’m surprised he could pull his dick out long enough for them to record this video. Why do we play this game? Why do we listen to these people? Why do we have to pretend that we aren’t a bunch of hypocrites and liars?
Thank you, Ms. Maddow. It had to be said. The very happy ending to this story (nothing to do with hand jobs, Americans don’t have sex, thank you very much) is that Souder resigned. It couldn’t happen to a nicer person. I digress. Back to the matter at hand. I went into a Frederick’s of Hollywood recently and saw a woman in an abaya and hijab looking at lingerie. What the fucking fuck? If you’re wearing the beekeeper suit, the last thing you need to worry about is looking sexy. There’s nothing sexy about putting a tarp on your ass and pretending you don’t have legs and a vagina. Oh, and for those of you not familiar with Frederick’s of Hollywood, here’s a quick advert:
Nothing screams chastity, subjugation to the patriarchy and no sex in America like a Frederick's catalog.
So, either my sister underneath the tarp is fooling herself, or even she feels the need to appeal to the man who subjugates her every night. I’m banking on the second, and so even the chaste and modest before God appear to be fucking. Now why are we all still pretending it doesn’t happen?
I’d like to have a day when I don’t hear some stupid asshole say something along the lines of, “Well, I don’t have the right to judge, only God can do that, but…”
But nothing, asshole. You just saw fit to judge. Oh, you’re not casting judgment, you’re just making up your mind that you have to play along with this society’s hypocrisy and react accordingly. After all, when you’re not the pariah, everything is just fine. All the while you ogle the ads, jerk off to the free porn on the premium cable channels and get off on listening to all the dirty little secrets spouted off during talk shows. Who’s worse? Me because I tell kids to use condoms and be safe or you with your hypocrisy? Let’s take a second look…
I’m hitting two taboos with one blog. After all, I know we can’t show penises in this country because no woman has ever witnessed a penis and remained conscious. Women fainting and/or dying at the sight of a penis is why there are so few humans in the world.
Maybe there are worse demons. Maybe you people are right, and the world is better because of abstinence only education, Victorian values we pay lip service to while fucking like rabbits and a whole damn culture of hypocrisy. Maybe the sudden dramatic increase in teen pregnancy and STDs in the past decade had absolutely nothing to do with state sponsored spreading of ignorance.
You’re all right. I think I’m changing my message, despite all evidence to the contrary. If you like it then put a ring on it.
Yeah, like that prevents pregnancy and STDs. Look at the holes in those things—a cockroach could escape that.
No, not that ring, you jackass. I mean THIS RING:
That’s more like it. After all, we all know you’re using them at home.
And, if you’re actually smart, this ring as well.
Now that’s what I’m talking about. These particular ones are vegan and biodegradable. Not that there’s a problem with global warming or mass waste production or environmental abuse (see denial).
We could fight the demons. If only. See, I’m just one abrasive voice screaming into the wind. Every time you consent to ignorance only education in your schools, don’t immediately demand the resignation of “family values” candidates fucking everything that moves and embezzling money or avert your eyes in shame should a neighbor make a comment about your private life instead of telling that bitch to mind his own business, you play into this system. Maybe it’s time for a mass exorcism and a good old fashioned dose of reality. That or you could just settle for this.
Man, I can’t believe that slut had the nerve to show that much eye in public. What’s this world coming to?
Or worse, possibly this:
