There used to be a channel on American television called “The Learning Channel.” It used to show programs and documentaries about various health issues, cooking, biographies and historical subjects. That was a long time ago. Unfortunately that channel is gone, replaced by a network called TLC. TLC is an acronym for “The Litter Channel.” You see, the producers at TLC have replaced all the decent, watchable programs with programs about couples with anywhere from eight to 19 kids. Yes, people are now producing litters, and with no other means of support, are whoring their own children out to television networks. I blame the jackasses who watched the tasteless display of famewhoring that was “Jon & Kate Plus Who Gives a Fuck?” Seriously, who gives a fuck? You had eight kids. It’s not my problem, and I don’t want to hear about it. That wonderful, nuclear family is now divorced, the mother has become a surgery grubbing famewhore and I’m sure those kids will be either in therapy or jail by the time they’re 12.
If those girls don’t look familiar, they are the Dionne quintuplets. Born in May of 1935, they were the first surviving set of quintuplets in North America and they lived their lives as a theme park attraction to tourists in Canada. This was before the advent of television, so you actually had to go to the compound where they lived and observe them in through one-way screens in their natural habitat—their house. Yes, people cashed in. Ironically, it was not their parents. Doctors declared their parents unfit and decided to take the girls into captivity with the hopes of someday rehabilitating them to their natural environment. Oh, and using them as a form of entertainment for gawkers across two continents.
The Litter Channel continues in this fine tradition with their entire line-up of prime time shows: 19 Kids & Counting, Quints-By-Surprise, Kate Plus Eight (Still Don’t Give a Fuck), and Holy Shit, My Uterus is a Fucking Clown Car. The latest blight on the broadcast ether is “Quints,” a delightful story about a couple of rich fucks who built a McMansion in Texas, decided to implant all five embryos during in vitro fertilization (so…were those five kids really a surprise then?) and then lost their fortune during the real estate bust. Nobody likes being a broke-ass loser, so they did what comes naturally: pimp out their kids. They also have a blog site that looks like a vanity ministry (Jayzus would be so proud) and of course, all the self-righteous hypocrisy that accompanies religious lunacy. I don’t have a picture of these assholes; I think they’re appalling. Maybe there’s a picture of America’s other favorite batch of religious nutjobs in need of an IUD, the Duggars!
I’m a chemist, not a biologist, but I seem to remember from my bio classes that humans are not supposed to spawn litters. The uterus is most likely a single-occupancy dwelling, and can comfortably accommodate two at best. However, there are some that find having a litter quite fashionable. It’s the current trend. Have kids later in life, and when you do, have a litter. Look, if we were supposed to have litters, we’d also have six nipples, just like a cat. I have no problem with people who have kids later in life. What I’m taking issue with is jackasses that have the 27 embryos implanted then whine and cry that their broke and need to join the freak show to earn a living. You people made the choice; suck it up bitches. What I found even more galling is this spawning waste of taxpayer’s money:
This is Nadya Suleman, aka, “Octomom.” Suleman had her doctor implant six embryos she had stored in the freezer after a previous in vitro treatment. Two of them twinned, and seven months later we have a litter. “Awwwww”-ers everywhere were on board with this, getting ready to shuffle donations of diapers, formula and cash to this whore until they ran headlong into the truth. Octomom had in vitro done while she was collecting Welfare and was on Medical/Medicare. Oh, she also had six other kids from previous in vitro cycles which she couldn’t afford to feed and literally could not put a roof over their heads. At the time of the octuplets’ births, she recently lost her home to foreclosure, collected Welfare and used food stamps. She lives in California. Since I pay taxes in this state, and don’t want my money being spent on this bullshit, I think that I have the right to sell those kids to the first buyer I find on EBay. Fuck her and her litter; I want my money back.
Suleman didn’t get her reality show on TLC. The circumstances of that whole reproductive debacle incised the public and got her in vitro doctor stripped of his license. Serves them right. Unfortunately some innocent kids will pay the price for her bullshit. The same can be said for the Duggars, the Joneses and the Gosslins. Those kids will be lucky to not end up axe murderers or on Thorazine by the time they reach 16. At the very least, these kids will grow up hounded and haunted by fans and stalkers. At worst, these kids will become the most narcissistic bastards who ever walked and feel they can do whatever they like and consequences be damned. The rest of us will have to hear about it for all eternity as well, condemning us to a life of repetitive fluff pieces straight out of media hell. Still looking for the Duggars…
Look, I’m not saying that no good can ever come from a big family. In fact, there’s one family with 19 children that was so successful, all of the children became healthy, relatively happy, productive adults. What makes the story so remarkable is that the children were NOT the spawn of a couple of in vitro addicted yuppies or religious loonies. The DeBolt family adopted 15 special needs children throughout their younger years. The adoption agencies considered the children “unadoptable” because the all of them had one or more physical or mental disability. These people adopted them and raised them to be well-grounded, successful adults. It’s worth noting that they did this far away from the prying eyes of the public. They never begged for donations, didn’t want people’s pity and never once whored those kids out to a television network. Big props to the DeBolts: there are true saints in this world.
Okay, I’m quitting these bitches now. If I keep staring at these people, I’m going to be tempted to round them up with control sticks, put them in a metal van and take them to the shelter to be spayed. I’m never turning TLC on again unless they give me a shitload of money to watch this bullshittery. However, I don’t want to forget why I’m doing this. Let me immortalize this entry with that picture of the Duggars.