Ooohh, just cut me a breast, shit, I mean a thigh, I mean...I'll just have more champagne, thanks.
Waaaaaaaaaay back in the bad old days, no, not the 1970’s, I’m talking about ancient Rome, when the officials feared the reaction of the public regarding the pitiful state of their lives; they offered free bread and circuses to the masses. This is a well-known fact, even if it may not necessarily be true. Well, people’s lives are pretty damn pitiful right now (except those that work for a major Wall Street Bank, of course). The result is our own version of bread and circuses. Remember “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche.”
Yeah, let them eat cake. Or if we can’t afford it, at least let us watch cake. Oh, and by the way, Marie Antoinette did not actually say that. It was said about a century earlier by Marie-Therese, the wife of Louis XIV. Just like our current government officials, she really couldn’t give a shit if the common people had nothing to eat. Smaller government and no support for those annoying poor people, that’s the ticket. Teach the poor people to fish sort of thing. I just hope they catch a nice piece of cake.
I'm sure they live in champagne glasses in the wild. It's just like home!
Somehow the stars aligned in just the right place and TV executives have blessed us with no less than SIX shows about cake. I’m sure there’s probably more, but I cut back on my cake shows. I’m on a visual diet. Anyhoo, the last time I took a brief cake show census I came up with these titles:
Cake Boss
Ace of Cakes
Last Cake Standing
Food Network Challenge
Amazing Wedding Cakes
Ultimate Cake Off
Wedding Cake Wars
Yeah, I want to be menaced by some thug while getting my kid's Seasame Street cake. It's not a shopping trip until I've been menaced.
The Food Network Challenge isn’t always about making cake, but it generally trends in that direction. My question is, “Did we really need six shows about cake?” Hell, for that matter, did we really need just one? Now we have six shows. Now, quick confession here, I have watched most of the cake shows at least once. They have a really simple plot. People make a cake. There it is. I’m sure it’s really much more dramatic in person. Sometimes the cake is fantastic:
Now that's what I'm talking about.
Sometimes, no so much:
Is it me or does this cake look like shit?
Yeah, that happens some times. You know, you may want to start hitting the Jack Daniels after the cake is finished.
I want to know which demographic these people interviewed before they decided that six cake shows were necessary. Seriously. Did these people round up the largest group of pregnant women, women with PMS, school children and diabetics who haven’t had sugar in years and ask them what they thought about all day? It makes you wonder. Somehow, the programming executives came up with six fucking cake shows.
Now, I have to confess that cake has a time-honored place in slapstick comedy. After all, what would all those home video shows do if they were not populated with classic gems like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dskAFcdUgM8&feature=related
Or, if you’re feeling a little more sublime, how about this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkFrV8glnyc&feature=related
This is not a falling wedding cake. It is a wedding cake with a fall. However, one has to wonder whether to eat it, urinate in it or just wash your hands and move on to the hors d’oeuvres. I don’t know about you, but I’m going for the smoked salmon and capers.
Now, I don’t take objection to all cake shows and food related entertainment. However, I think if you have some strange cake fetish, you should temper it with an opportunity to educate yourself. So, turn off the TV, and check out this blog. I’ll wait, even if it’s going to be some time. This page is like a car wreck; you know you should look away, but you just can’t avert your eyes.
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
This has to be the mostest, bestest cake site EVER. They collect all the grotesque cakes that have managed to escape into the general public all in one place. Then, they put them out of our misery, but not before we get a good chuckle first.
Wait! Where's the cake? I swear I left it here just a minute ago.
It could be a statement on the sad attempts of local decorators to live up to the cake show hype. Then again, it may just be a stern warning about choosing a decorator. Nothing says “I love you,” like taxidermy on the big day. I’m sure if the decorator had been just a smidge more creative, s/he could have somehow incorporated a real stuffed deer head. Amateur.
I learn something new every time I turn on the TV or log into the Internet. Sometimes I learn things I really don’t want to. For example, there are some types of cake that never work, like this cake made with rice and decorated with sushi and edamame.
Sushi, anyone? How about some cake? Really, the albacore compliments the red velvet cake with cream cheese filling very well.
I don’t know about you, but that totally ruined sushi for me. I love sushi, but I think even I’d pass on that. Gee, did you notice that the cake smelled like a combination of a whore house and ammonia? Yeah, I think I’ll just have another kamikaze courtesy of the bride and groom, thanks.
Even if you achieve a wedding cake that is palatable, you may totally miss on the visual aspect. Some cakes are beautiful beyond measure. Then again, some cakes are just totally gay.
Dude, even with the fondant, that cake is totally gay.
All this talk about disembodied heads, sushi, gay pride and cake has made me hungry. It’s almost time to cut my cherimoya (or chirimoya, I’ve been told by the native Spanish speakers I’m spelling it wrong). However, while I’m fasting on my pathetic little piece of fruit, you know I’m dreaming of this:
Hell yeah!
“Qu’ils mangent de la brioche.”