fail « The Poison Forest

Posts Tagged ‘fail’

Spurned!

Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

Ummm, I see you forgot to clean the windshield there. Could be worse, could the the shit of a 1000 seagulls.

I have another Bay Area mystery for you all. Every morning last week I beheld a magickal sight while walking the dog. It was there for approximately four days, blessing the eyes with yet another chance to simply speculate.

What you see next to this paragraph is a van. Not just any van, no, this van seemed to attract a lot of flowers. Single red roses, little stuffed toys, perfume and even lingerie adorn this special van. My apologies for the crap angles, but I’m sure whoever this is wouldn’t appreciate me putting their plate up on the Internet.

This van remained parked in the same space every day collecting trinkets and clutter. Eventually, the dumping died down and all that was left was eerie silence and flowers drying in the sun. There was also a little bitty tiger on the windshield. And here we are, left to sigh wistfully and speculate. My mind has come up with three distinct possibilities. Here’s scenario number 1:

Baby ain't taking the bait. Careful backing up, that one thing is glass!

Baby is going to be so surprised when she sees what I set up for her. She’s going to come to the van in the morning, maybe not aware of how much love there is in the world, see all the flowers and Bada-Bing! Instant getting laid powder. Wait, I forgot. Is she going to be at that electronics show in Vegas this week or next week? Shit. I may have put all that shit out there for nothing. I hope the neighbor kids don’t steal the bears.

Scenario #2:

Nothing says "I'm sorry" like lingerie lightly coated in asphalt and cigarette ash.

I’m sorry. I’m really, really, really REALLY sorry. I am so sorry I’m going to cover your van in presents and hope like hell it counts for something. Surprised? If it makes you feel better the process of removing my foot from my mouth hurt just as much as your feelings. *sniff*

Scenario #3 (The one I think is most likely after watching this unfold all week with no words or actors.)

I hope this bottle is safe to use as a butt plug, because something tells me if she ever sees you again, she's going to shove it clean up your ass.

Apology NOT accepted. You can take your dick out of that ho, shove it up your ass and go fuck yourself, you motherfucking douchetard. How stupid do you think I am? Fuck you, fuck the horse you rode in on and fuck the ugly ass horse that rode yo’ momma to make you. If I ever see you around here again, so help me God, I am going to take these flowers and shove them right up your ass. Now, take your shit and get outta here because I don’t want it. And don’t you leave that shit on my front porch, I’ll just take it back that hoopity ass van you drive and dump it there.

Love is fleeting and fragile.

So what is the truth? I don’t know. You don’t know. And eventually the van, flowers and gifts disappeared. Whether the owner of the van took them, the neighborhood kids poached them or the landscapers tossed them I’ll never know. It’s just another peaceful day in the neighborhood.

Found: One very sad bear/dog thing laying on the sidewalk. Owner can pick it up at his/her own risk.

Tags: bay area mystery, dumped, fail, presents, rejection, spurned
Posted in The Daily Grind | No Comments »

How NOT to Taste Wine

Friday, May 21st, 2010

I work here. This is a picture from the vineyard.

I work part time at a winery, and with the weekend coming up, I think we need to cover a couple of do’s and don’ts when tasting wine. We here in the Livermore Valley love you, and want you to come visit us. We’re whole lot cheaper than Napa, and a whole lot friendlier. I’ve been to Napa more times than I can count. You’re just paying for the name.

Do NOT pay for this name. Just take my word for it.

I want to begin by saying that if this is your first time at a winery or wine tasting, just admit it. We don’t take points away from you and we won’t make fun of you (unless make a totally absurdly funny fail, then you’re fair game). I can spot the newbie because that’s the person bragging about things like “bouquet,” “legs,” and “France.” Everybody who ever walked through that door has apparently been to France and drank the finest wines from the navels of the finest French hookers. We’re not impressed by that story and neither should you be. We are impressed when you appoint a designated driver, consume two bottles of wine, and somehow manage to get to the car around the chickens and farm dogs without breaking a leg. It’s easier to avoid injury when you’re drunk, you don’t try to stop yourself from falling.

Mmmmm. My eye is twitching just thinking about it.

Wear sensible shoes. I can not stress this enough. I have to listen to some line of bitch about blisters and foot fatigue at least once a day. Yes, I know you had to walk up the gravel driveway and step around the chicken shit in your three inch heels. I know you have to stand at the bar because we don’t have any stools. I also know it’s not acceptable for you to take your damn shoes off and put them on my counter. For chrissake people are trying to smell the wine here, and your toe cheese and bunions are not helping in the least. Maybe you could drink enough to not feel the blisters anymore. Then again, maybe you could just wear some damn sensible shoes next time.

You're going to want to avoid leaning on the pole.

This is gum. You need to leave your gum here too. When you chew gum, it screws up the flavor of everything you drink. No, the wines do not have a “vegetal,” “minty,” or “really sweet flavor.” Your gum does. Spit it out. One final note on this: you’re not a tweenager anymore. Cracking gum is obnoxious, unnecessary and doesn’t make you look cool. Cracking gum in a winery is a total fail, and we reserve the right to make fun of you (see paragraph 2).

Use the sanitary facilities. Now, this is the Livermore Valley, and more often than not you will find yourself in a porta potty in which a previous occupant was sick. Cowboy up and deal with it. Under no circumstances is it appropriate to piss on our landscaping. Those vines took at least 20 to 30 years to mature, and they didn’t get that way on a steady diet of human urine. Ladies, do not drink so much you can’t keep your balance (you know what I’m talking about here). Gentlemen, you think you look suave marring the landscape, but in reality, you actually look like this:

Keep it in your pants or the porta potty, son.

Do not pass out on my pool table. We want our visitors to enjoy a jovial game of pool, but they can’t do that if your drunk ass occupies the table. Go into the corner and pass out quietly with some dignity. If you’re nice to us, we may not write “Wanker” on your forehead. No guarantees. We can not be held responsible if you wake up spooning a chicken.

Stop me if you heard this one. So, a chicken walks into a bar...

KNOW YOUR LIMIT

Don’t get partied out. Generally you’ll visit more than one winery today, but you want to make sure that this isn’t the best trip you will NEVER remember. Eat lunch, drink plenty of water and take a breather if you need to. Trust me; vomit is not the new black. Nobody wants to deal with that.