I have another Bay Area mystery for you all. Every morning last week I beheld a magickal sight while walking the dog. It was there for approximately four days, blessing the eyes with yet another chance to simply speculate.
What you see next to this paragraph is a van. Not just any van, no, this van seemed to attract a lot of flowers. Single red roses, little stuffed toys, perfume and even lingerie adorn this special van. My apologies for the crap angles, but I’m sure whoever this is wouldn’t appreciate me putting their plate up on the Internet.
This van remained parked in the same space every day collecting trinkets and clutter. Eventually, the dumping died down and all that was left was eerie silence and flowers drying in the sun. There was also a little bitty tiger on the windshield. And here we are, left to sigh wistfully and speculate. My mind has come up with three distinct possibilities. Here’s scenario number 1:
Baby is going to be so surprised when she sees what I set up for her. She’s going to come to the van in the morning, maybe not aware of how much love there is in the world, see all the flowers and Bada-Bing! Instant getting laid powder. Wait, I forgot. Is she going to be at that electronics show in Vegas this week or next week? Shit. I may have put all that shit out there for nothing. I hope the neighbor kids don’t steal the bears.
I’m sorry. I’m really, really, really REALLY sorry. I am so sorry I’m going to cover your van in presents and hope like hell it counts for something. Surprised? If it makes you feel better the process of removing my foot from my mouth hurt just as much as your feelings. *sniff*
Scenario #3 (The one I think is most likely after watching this unfold all week with no words or actors.)
Apology NOT accepted. You can take your dick out of that ho, shove it up your ass and go fuck yourself, you motherfucking douchetard. How stupid do you think I am? Fuck you, fuck the horse you rode in on and fuck the ugly ass horse that rode yo’ momma to make you. If I ever see you around here again, so help me God, I am going to take these flowers and shove them right up your ass. Now, take your shit and get outta here because I don’t want it. And don’t you leave that shit on my front porch, I’ll just take it back that hoopity ass van you drive and dump it there.
So what is the truth? I don’t know. You don’t know. And eventually the van, flowers and gifts disappeared. Whether the owner of the van took them, the neighborhood kids poached them or the landscapers tossed them I’ll never know. It’s just another peaceful day in the neighborhood.