Last Sunday was Superbowl Sunday in the U.S. For those of you tuning in internationally, the Superbowl is the culmination of way too many fucking months of American style football. Because we in no way resemble North Korea or the USSR circa 1977, we need to start every sporting event with the playing of our national anthem. We do this because we are most assuredly patriots and not because we resemble a military dictatorship in any way. Sometimes the national anthem goes well. Other times, a little something like this happens.
Okay, grab a tissue and dab up the blood leaking out of your ear holes, it’s over. Thank God, because this bitch has no talent for this sort of thing and didn’t even attempt to get the lyrics right. This is a theoretically talented pop star with an assload of money and an entire entourage, including a police detail, all to herself. Why the hell couldn’t she get three lines of a song right? Seriously, were there no interns to beat before sending them off to look that shit up on Wikipedia? It’s the national fucking anthem, for Chrissake. It’s not like they asked her to actually remember epic poetry or the ingredients off a tortilla bag or something.
Maybe I’m being too harsh. After all, it would appear most Americans don’t know how to read or write English, let alone remember a complicated treatise like the national anthem. Let’s face it; we learn that song when we’re about five years old, and generally only sing it at sporting events. Singing at sporting events essentially means that everyone is drunk off their asses or at least getting there and all lyrics are negotiable. We’re all little hazy when it comes to anything patriotic besides depriving fellow Americans of their basic civil rights and making sure everyone, including the mentally incompetent, have access to automatic weapons. Of course it takes a non-American to point this out.
Okay, so here’s the idea. Let’s throw out the national anthem. Seriously, just get rid of it. Nobody knows what the hell it is and most people’s improvisations aren’t nearly as funny as Eddie Izzard’s. I’m having a thought here. Let’s make our new national anthem Bad Romance from Lady Gaga. No, no, no, NO. Hear me out. I think a bunch of slovenly drunkards who are too lazy to learn the damn thing even when they have to sing it in front of millions of viewers would do well with Bad Romance. I think we could all get through lyrics like these:
Want your bad romance
You can get through that drunk or sober, and even if you can’t, the improvisation is infinitely easier. See:
Blah, blah, blah, rah ah ah….
Roma, Foma, my ma!
Goggles are embossed!
Want more sad fire ants!
See? It works. I’m not being a pinko, commie, fascist, socialist terrorist here, I’m just trying to make life simpler for everyone. Think about it, then call your congressperson. Together we can make a difference. Now about those bleeding earholes: fill them with this.