I’m gobsmacked and at a loss for words. This is such a rare occasion that I think I’m just going to sit down and take a few minutes to soak it all in. Tell you what, while I sit here shaking my head choking back cynical laughter, how about you take a road trip? Go ahead, I want you to put on your chastity belts, light a cigarette, go tell your kids to do as you say not as you do and get up on your high horses, because we’re checking out the sights along the Hypocrisy Highway.
Oh, where to start? Well, let’s start with those infamous “family values.” Does anybody really know what the fuck that actually means? Can anybody define it? I think the answer may sound a little like this: “Uh, uh, uh, well, you know what family values are. They’re values you want your family to have, you know, like what you want your kids to do and stuff. It has to do with family. It means like, going to church and waiting till you’re married and stuff?”
Nice waffle. Did you catch that too? As we say in old Oaktown, “Yeah. I ain’t buyin’ that shit either.”
Family values as defined by politicians, particularly the GOP:
1. NO GAY RIGHTS WHATSOEVER. Seriously, if you’re gay, you deserve to be beaten. Jesus would want this, and so should you.
2. Only heterosexual intercourse allowed within the bonds of holy matrimony. No exceptions.
3. No use of drugs, alcohol, marijuana or any other substances permitted. Excess use of prescription painkillers is perfectly okay as long as you have the money to doctor shop for the “right” kind of doctor.
4. Nuclear families only. There will be no divorces, no marital strife, no emo children, no deviants, no miscreants, no college drop-outs and no misconduct of any sort (unless, of course, your last name is Bush). Ugly children are not permissible under any circumstances. Family required to be as photogenic as possible.
5. No views outside of traditional Victorian values permitted. All opinions must be extremely mainstream, offend no one, make no real sense and have mass appeal. (Case in point, somebody define “smaller government” for me. It’s as bad as “family values.”)
6. Religion is MANDATORY. You MUST BE A CHRISTIAN. Any other religion or worldview will simply NOT be tolerated. Period.
7. Family should be white. Not always, but Caucasian is the preferred vehicle for child rearing. (No, they’re not racist, they’re just…white.)
Now that we all know the rules of the road, take a trip down memory and hypocrisy lane.
George 'I'm Not Gay, I Just Suck Cock From Time to Time' Rekers
A fine, recent addition to the collection of hypocrites from the right wing, this piece of shit worked day and night non-stop to push fraudulent research that declared gays and lesbians mentally incompetent to raise children. A tireless fighter against “the gay,” Rekers strove to maintain his Godly, upstanding lifestyle. Until this, of course.
They look like they want to carry your luggage, or your package, at the very least.
You don’t have to be gay to be seen along this road, but it sure does help. But, lest it be said I’m not being fair to heteros, here’s stop number two. This man belongs to the religious zealots behind the U.S. government known as the C Street Group. These men can do no wrong, because Jesus has ordained them as leaders. No matter what they do: perform gross ethics violations, use drugs, use Congress to impose their religious views on the American public against the Constitution or keep a stable full of mistresses at their disposal, they have the blessing of Jesus. Jesus likes them more than you or me, and they can fuck at will (provided it’s somebody of the opposite sex, of course).
There's something missing in this picture. Oh, yeah, it's the mistress from Argentina! How on earth could we forget?
Of course, if you feel you must go gay, it’s always best to load up on meth first. There’s nothing like a good “massage” when you’re tweaking. Didn’t this smiling bundle of hypocrisy say that fundamentalists have the best sex life? I bet the meth and recreational Viagra have something to do with it. This is our good friend and shepherd for the Lord, Ted Haggard. He has great family values, he just needed a little pick me up.
He heard the voice of Jesus the entire time. It was telling him try OC next time.
Sometimes you don’t want to go in for that old, haggy look. When you tap some subordinate ass, it should be young, juicy and tender. But not gay. No, definitely not gay. In fact, all legislation that would advance the rights of the gay community should be voted down at every turn. You can’t support that shit, even if you’re…well…gay. Right, Rep. Foley?
Needed: page to service a distinguished, older gentleman. Must be gay, but not interested in own civil rights.
I loves me some scandal. The least this asshole could have done was advance the cause of other gays. Closeted bigot pedophile.
Okay, let’s just put the rainbow flag away for now. After all, we can’t limit our sight-seeing tour to just gays. We might miss the lawbreakers. You don’t want to miss the scofflaws, do you? Well, neither did this guy:
Ace crime fighter Elliott Spitzer. Tip to Mr. Spitzer: pay for your ho's in cash.
Do as he says, not as he does, you damn, dirty criminal. Those laws are in place to protect you and give him endless recreational opportunities. Seriously, you put your money down for a BJ, and that’s pandering. If he does it, I’m sure it’s job research.
For a refreshing change of pace, let’s just look at the sleaze bags. Was the Contract With America supposed to include 84 ethics violations? If I bounce 22 checks anywhere, including the Post Office, I’d be in jail. Well, I’m sure that he was just forgetful. You know, when you’re busy managing Congress, screwing the taxpayers and fucking some broad behind your wife’s back, who has time to balance the check book?
His name is Newt. In a remarkable display of foresight, his mother named him Newt.
Oh, oh, oh, here’s a recent addition. Tip from your friend here at The Poison Forest. If you’re going to make a video promoting abstinence education, don’t have your mistress interviewing you during it. It looks a little…awkward.
Mark Souder supports abstinence. For you, not him.
Do as he says, NOT at he does. No sex outside of marriage for you. You could end up with crabs or something. Or possibly a damn embarrassing video about sex in which everybody is fully clothed.
I think we might just be at the end of the road here…wait…
And here we…oh, Christ. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Just 'cuz I do weed and fuck stoners doesn't mean y'all hafta do it, y'all.
Seriously, who the fuck are you kidding?
I need to take a minute here to point out that this whole road trip doesn’t have to happen in the first place. I mean, for one thing, Americans can just come to grips with the fact that people are fucking. No, I’m not saying that in a nicer, more genteel manner. Deal with it. People are fucking. They aren’t abstinent, never were abstinent and don’t plan to be abstinent.
Now, breaking the law is another thing entirely. That’s not so much a family value thing as a “You broke the fucking law and need to answer for it just like the rest of us” thing. In the mean time, here’s something to ponder.
Ribbed, smooth, lubricated, extra large, flavored, colored and glow in the dark all for your pleasure. Dig in, everybody.
These don’t reinforce your “family values” or “good Christian traditions.” They will save your life. Think of them as life preservers for your cock. If the people on the Titanic had a shitload of them, they could’ve inflated them and used them as rafts. Everybody would have survived. Now that’s a value you can believe in.
And while I’m on the subject, if you must remain abstinent (and nobody does, really), try a few of these on for size. Hey, while I’m pissing people off, why not include a cornucopia of rainbow-colored cocks for everybody to enjoy? Cheers.
Taste the rainbow. Go ahead, nobody's looking.