I would insist I am of sound mind and temperament, but I’m beginning to wonder lately if I really am. I’ve come to a conclusion. Either I am completely batshit, or worse, I am the only sane one left in America these days. Don’t argue with me, just look at the proof:
Pssst. You forgot to get dressed.
Did you see it too? Whew! Okay, I’m not alone. Since when has it become acceptable to wear your pajamas in public? Did I miss the general memo that went out to all Americans that this was in some way appropriate? I went to buy Girl Scout Cookies the other day and decided not to because there were little Victoria’s Secret bimbo wannabes there in their “Pink” brand pajamas and Ugg(ly) boots. No uniform, no sash, no badges, NO SALE. End of discussion. It’s never too early to conduct yourselves with dignity, ladies. Yes, I let their parent/guardian/overlord/whoever the hell she was what I thought.
Just when I thought I managed to escape the insanity, I had to pass this Bull. Shit.
If the belt isn't around your waist, your fucking pants ARE NOT ON.
They’re not on. There are women and puppies in this neighborhood, and none of them want to see your ass. Really. We don’t. Ask around. Please get arrested for indecent exposure while you’re at it.
I was confronted by this “message” on my Facebook wall the other day:
i googles him n its jus soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad wat happened 2 him. all im askin is tht u lyt a single candle 2nyt when the sun goes dwn. he shld of n wld of been 21 yrs old 2day. im still stuck on how 2 10 yr olds cld b THT cruel n sadistic 2wards A 2 YR OLD !! ((james was 2 when he was murdered by 2 10 yr olds))
If anyone has any fucking clue what happened there, please let me know in real English, or even Spanish (I speak, read and write both), not gibberish. I’m sure there was a valid point there, I just have no fucking clue what it is.
You know, the world is not kind to English majors and those of us who can be bothered with writing grammatically correct, coherent sentences. I’m the old-fashioned, stuffy one because I feel that there should be some level of comprehensibility to anything you write. I’d like to think that the only reason something like the atrocity above exists is because the poor person writing it only has two fingers left, both located on the same hand. I fear that may not be the case. Anyway, if you can translate this from lazy dumbass to English, please let me know.
Oh, and there is a thing on all QWERTY keyboards, your cell phones and PDA’s called the “Shift” key. It makes big, pretty letters that look like this: I, K, E, R, V, B, etc. You get the idea. Feel free to use that whenever that naughty little personal pronoun “I” crops up. There’s no charge, it takes no skill and anyone can learn to do it.
Maybe I just need to leave social media for a bit. Take a walk, look around the neighborhood, say hi to everyone….
What. The. Fuck.
I'm sure she parked the horse about a block away and decided to walk.
This is clearly a commercial image. However, on the average day in Oakland or San Francisco, you will see at least a dozen young impressionables wearing riding boots while striding up and down the hills of the Bay Area. Why, I don’t know. Once again, nobody remembered to tell me about the massive outbreak in ponies we had in the city last month. I don’t have a pair of riding boots (anymore). What happens if I happen to encounter a pony? I don’t have boots, a lariat or even a taser should the pony become violent. People need to let me know this is happening.
I can’t even take shelter in a store. Every time I do, I’m confronted by this:
They're fugly. Just STFU about how supposedly comfortable they are, admit it and move on.
These are the ugliest fucking shoes manufactured in the history of mankind. A shitty piece of gaudy colored plastic with holes so you can put your Hello Kitty charms in them. Really? You’d wear that as an adult? Look, the only time these pieces of shit are appropriate are when you are 6 and hanging out at the beach. They’re only one step up from flip-flops, which, I don’t give a fuck what you say, are still not shoes. They’re not even close, and don’t attempt to justify your affinity for having a quarter inch thick piece of shit rubber on your feet by saying they have rhinestones on them. Flip-flops are not fucking shoes. Period.
Somebody get me a bucket and some Ativan. I'm not joking. Scratch 'n sniff, everyone!
You know, I’m just going to go home and bleach my eyeballs. And my brain, so I don’t have to live with the traumatic memory of all this shit. I can’t take it anymore. Somebody, please make it stop. Just please, for the love of God and your own human dignity, make it stop.
America has become a nation of illiterate, lazy slobs. Yet we still find time for righteous indignation when other countries make fun us. At least we can still muster up enough energy to do that, if not pull our pajama bottoms up.
Yeah, I'd learn English, but I'm not doin' that 'cause some liberal, pinko, commie, egghead snob sez so. Besides, "American Idol" is on.
Tags: Americana, buttcrack, croqs, pajamas, slobs, social media