I am a consummate social media addict. I have to say that it helps me get through the day to burp out some rude comment on exactly how shitty the day is going. I try to make it brief and occasionally humorous. I’m sure that Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and Bebo have done a fair bit to connect people and even raise consciousness about some important causes. Causes and organizations can have their own sites with their own fan base. People can also write, post and twat about causes near and dear to them. But this makes me wonder. What are people actually trying to accomplish here? Just because somebody posts some bullshit about a cause or idea doesn’t mean they have any real commitment to it. Other posts are just plain patronizing and annoying.
Anybody can post anything as a status. Look, here’s my typical Facebook status:
I am the Queen of Burundi and my father is a small salt cellar.
See? It’s just that easy. It’s not in the least bit believable, but it’s just that easy. I have no commitments to this status and its content whatsoever. So, without further ado, I present to you some of my favorite pseudo-causes floating around Facebook. I’m sure I’ll get more to add to the collection as time wears on.
#1: Get out the flag lapel pin and do your best to look patriotic.
A US military member is somewhere in the world tonight missing their family while you are safe at home. In the minute it takes to read this, military members all over the world are not only saving lives, but sacrificing their own for our freedom. It’s Military Appreciation Week…Repost this if you are or were in the military, love a military member, hold memories of a fallen hero, or appreciate our troops!
Yes, repost this status, as opposed to say…uh…writing your Congressperson or Representative and demanding the return of all U.S. soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan now. Or, if you’re a Rethuglican, actually putting your money where your cake hole is and demanding to have no more unfunded wars that add to the deficit and, most importantly, voting accordingly.
#2: We’re all alone out here…
A true friend doesn’t care when you’re broke, what you weigh, if your house is a mess, about your past, or if your family is filled with crazies…they love you for who you are. A true friend can go long periods of time without speaking to you & never question the friendship. Repost if…you have at least one true friend…
As opposed to calling them and inviting them to lunch, or offering to help them out around the house, offering them a favor or just dropping them a line to say “Hi.” I’m sure they appreciate this idiotic random status.
I am a very sad kitty with no friends.
#3: The only thing being a martyr gets you is dead.
To all the unselfish moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon cuts for ponytails, long baths for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags … and wouldn’t change a thing. Let’s see how many moms repost this. Moms who don’t care…about……..whatever they gave up, but… instead… LOVE what they get in return. Repost this if you’re a mom and LOVE YOUR KIDS.
I guess if you don’t repost that it means that you hate those little bastards. Hey, kids, did you know that I haven’t smiled since the day you were born? Don’t believe me? Look up my Facebook status, you little shits. Now get a job because Momma needs a designer hand bag.
I'll give you one arrow for every time you don't feel appreciated so you can feel like this at home.
#4: ANY cause célèbre or cause du jour:
Autism is a legitimate disorder that affects 1 in 200 children. There is no known cause or cure for autism. Please repost this status if you are affected by or know someone who is affected by autism.
This one applies to ADHD, breast cancer, herpes, vitiligo, hell anything with the possible exception being illiteracy. If you’re illiterate, you’re shit outta luck in the status department.
Just tell me what the damn sign says, will you?
#5: Guilt assuaging via social media
My parents were MEAN to me when I was a kid! They made me do chores, go to church and school. They gave me a curfew, made me get a job and work for the things I wanted. They insisted that I do my best at school and my job and take pride in my work. I grew up with morals, a good work ethic and respect………for the law. I thank my MEAN parents everyday!!! (copy and paste if you agree).
I’m sure you do. I’m sure you got off the phone with your sainted mother just long enough to queef out that status. Hooray for you. Either you’re full of shit, or you’re sucking up for some reason. Somebody get me a bucket, I have to throw up.
You and me both, dog. Now get outta the way, I'm coming through!
Tags: causes, Facebook, literacy, martyrdom, status updates, stupidity