In the never-ending attempt to destroy the English language 140 characters at a time, a person on Facebook assaulted me with this word the other day:
“CHILLAX”
I know what she was getting at. Unfortunately her approach to sounding cool made me want to jump through the fiber optics and murderize her ass. The only people permitted to fuck with the English language besides me are English professors. The rest of you need to fall in line. (And use proper punctuation while you’re at it.) Let’s look at this from a visual perspective, shall we?
CHILL:
This is a bucket of liquid nitrogen. You can tell by the thick coating of frost around the rim that this is no temperate vat of liquid happiness. THIS is chilled.
AXE:
If you walk into the room carrying this, people automatically know you mean business. I am in no way referring to the distilled panther piss men seem to want to drown themselves in these days. Approach me with that Axe, and I’ll swing this one in the region of your neck.
CHILL + AXE = STUPID FUCKING MADE UP WORD
Don’t do shit like that. It’s not clever when the tabloids and crappy pseudo-news shows combine celebrity names, and it’s not cute when you try to combine words on your own. The only exception is the word “douchetard” which makes no attempt at being cute, but when applied properly to the right person, is entirely accurate.
If I catch you people doing this again, I’m going to DECAPISHITCINERATE you. You, being reasonably intelligent people, can discern what my message is here.
DECAPITATE:
Keeping the revolution alive for centuries.
SHIT: Pretty self-explanatory
INCINERATE:
It’s going to be a hot time in the old town tonight.
DECAPITATE + SHIT + INCINERATE = I am going to decapitate you with that damn axe, shit down your neck for spite then incinerate your remains and use you to toast marshmallows with.
Seriously, we’re not all in 4th grade anymore. Write accordingly. Enough said. Here’s a cat eating a watermelon.
Tags: axe, chillax, decapitation, guillotine, incinerate, made-up words