I think it’s about time I had a frank discussion about the thing plaguing inboxes everywhere: Viagra. Now, quick confession here, I personally have never had erectile dysfunction. It could be because I’m just that fucking awesome super bad, or it could be because I’m a woman. The jury is still out. I do know that if I placed about 90% of my self-worth on a single body part, I’d want that body part to work and work WELL. So, I am not without sympathy in this department. However, I have little to no sympathy for the annoying fuckers that peddle Viagra and its “all natural” herbal replacements.
I receive at least one email per day shilling Viagra. That little blue pill is ubiquitous: I can’t go five minutes without seeing a commercial, receiving an email or hearing a joke about it. Since it has become a staple of the American diet, I think we all need to take a closer look at this wonder drug that works wonders (NO. That is NOT aspirin. Get with the program.) Here’s a little something for you history buffs. The rest of you can skip ahead to the part about how it can cure the common cold.
Viagra’s compound name is sildenafil (compound UK-92,480 if you’re looking it up in the Merk). UK chemists originally wanted to make the latest and greatest high blood pressure/angina medication. They noticed that when patients took the drug, their blood pressure didn’t come down, but their penises went straight up. Pfizer filed for a patent in 1996 and the FDA approved the drug for treatment of erectile dysfunction on March 27, 1998. They put the little blue pill in a bunch of overplayed, annoying advertisements and by 1999, Pfizer’s sales of the drug was $1 billion, give or take. (Man, I loves me some Wikipedia.)
Clever marketing + exclusive patent = over a million boners served and a pharmaceutical company raking in assloads of cash. It also creates a whole shitload of imitators, spammers and outright frauds. I can see why. Viagra is truly a miracle drug. It can give a 90 year old man that probably shouldn’t even be looking a porno because it could cause a major coronary a stiffy big enough to satisfy even the most desperate $25 hooker. It can make an erection, save a troubled relationship, provide hours of recreation for the nice, young gay couple living down the street and even cure the common cold. Oh yes, you heard me correctly. Viagra can cure the common cold. Let me explain.
I used to be a medical assistant for a family practice here in Northern California. I would see a patient, generally a middle-aged man about 47-50 give or take. I would go into the room and begin to ask him all about medical history, current symptoms, problems, etc. The man would typically tell me, “Well, there’s not a real big problem, I just have a bit of a cold.” He may also have “a bit of a sore throat,” “a mild case of the flu,” “a little bit of a bug,” “just feeling a little under the weather,” or maybe he “just thought he’d come in and get checked up, because, well, it never hurts.” I would take his temperature. It was 98.6° F (37° C). I would check his pulse. It was fine. I would check his blood pressure. Sometimes it was normal, it was usually a little high. I would go through all the first assessment procedures, find nothing and remark to myself that a doctor really can’t do anything for the flu or a cold, and unless the man is spewing green and yellow pus like the girl from The Exorcist, there’s nothing that can be done for a sore throat. I’d leave the room and go out to the front desk.
The doctor saw each of these patients behind a closed door. This is the law; we can’t invade their private space. Ten minutes after seeing the patient, the doctor would step outside the examination room, close the door and say to me, “We have another. Can you go to the sample closet and get another Viagra kit?” I can only conclude from the dozens of times I did this that Viagra can cure the common cold, quite possibly the flu. That and men don’t like to talk about their limp dicks in front of a 26 year old, no matter how nerdy she actually looks. (I’m a scientist and a blogger, not a model. Sue me.)
Speaking of limp dicks, how many of you have seen this limp dick bastard?
This is “Bob.” Bob has plagued my television set for about six years now. Bob has a happy wife at home and a spectacular business relationship with North Korea thanks to “all natural” Viagra substitute, Enzyte. I don’t know what the hell Enzyte is, and I don’t care. All I know is that it claims to do the same thing as Viagra without all that pesky scientific development, FDA approval and prescription business. I also know that Bob is annoying and his wife has a shitty hair-do. However, since taking Enzyte, his dick is now at least 18 inches long and can pound through a brick wall. He’s now known as “Super Cock.” Seriously, I don’t know whether to envy him or just throw his ass off that building. Of course, if he lands on his super hard dick, he might drill clean through the asphalt and I might just have to fight him for the oil rights.
Bob isn’t the only one beguiled by “natural” Viagra. There’s Turkish Viagra:
There’s Italian Viagra:
I’m no expert, but it may be best to NOT accept imitations. That’s all I’m saying. Maybe the men who bought those things are now drilling for oil themselves. Then again, maybe they just have a nice party mix or the beginnings of puttanesca.
Viagra is a great party drug, too. I live in the San Francisco Bay area, and I can tell you that this drug is a God send to young homosexuals looking to party all night long. (You know which “party” I’m talking about, and there ain’t no balloons and cake.) I watched an interview with a Southern pharmacist that won’t sell birth control pills because they’re dangerous and promote promiscuity, but will sell Viagra because it promotes loving, healthy relationships. Oh, my sweet, naive man. Whose loving relationship is that? And who, pray tell, will raise all the children created by a man who, by all statistics, will drop dead before the kid gets out of high school? Viagra is the biggest recreational drug abused by the homosexual community. I think I’m going to smirk while the pieces crash gently to earth in your fundamentalist universe.
Okay, the tinkling sound has stopped. I take only one issue with the existence of Viagra, and it is this:
Yeah, if you take Viagra (at the age of 24 apparently, when by all rights you should have no need of it barring some catastrophic physical condition) you will score a supermodel with huge tits and be able to bang her for 48 hours straight without pause or re-hydration. This is what the distributors of low-cost/generic/imitation/fraudulent Viagra are selling. This is the essence of about 25% of all spam emails received by the general public. Buy their generic or “all natural” Viagra and you will get a model with big tits. There’s a 100% money back guarantee on this. I get these emails constantly, and it never ceases to amaze me that: 1. I still really can’t use Viagra. 2. I too could score a supermodel with ginormous tits.
Viagra is cheap in Mexico:
(Oh, shit. Hussein was hanged? Where am I when all the good stuff happens?)
I need to drive directly south and get me some. After all, if I scored a supermodel with ginormous tits, I’d sell her to the first man who asked. It’s not that I don’t believe in feminism, it’s just that I know a diamond opportunity when I see it. It’s just too damn good to pass up. To hell with Bob and Enzyte, just pass the supermodel. I can feel my “prospects” soaring…