It’s a nice fall day…a good day to stroll through the neighborhood, enjoy the fresh air, say hi to the neighbors and…HOLY JESUS! KING KONG IS ABOUT TO BREACH THE WALLS OF THE COMPOUND!!!!
I always wondered about the gigantic fence. After all, if King Kong is a ginormous gorilla, why couldn't he climb a really tall fence?
He's going to make it. The decision has to be made: run like hell or stare in horrified fascination.
Interestingly enough, this is not an unusual sight in this neighborhood. Everything from King Kong to a giant dalmation has attempted to breach these sacred walls and invade the complex. The people here live on the edge, never knowing when they’re going to need their rifles, or a sharp stick at the very least.
He has his fist on the top and is making his way in. Now would be a good time to run.
Yes, a sharp stick would do it. While I’m on the subject of bouncy houses, I just thought I’d share a more interesting moment from living next door to a rental place.
Kewel. This one even has a giant slide attached.
Never a dull moment. I’m just glad I finally managed to get back onto the other side of the complex with a camera decent enough to record all the action this time. It’s not Wednesday morning unless I can enjoy a scene like this.
This camera and perspective can't give you an adequate picture of how big that thing is. If it helps, I'm standing on a bench that's approximately 2 feet off the ground and the wall is 9 feet tall.
I’ll be back next Wednesday. There isn’t much happening in this lull between holidays, so I don’t expect too many spectacular sights like this one until closer to the day after American Thanksgiving. Probably just the routine red and yellow jumpers. If a giant turkey shows up, I’ll be the first on the scene. In the mean time, it’s time to finish walking the dog.
Bye, bye, King Kong. Have fun storming the castle. I hope nobody has any sharp sticks close at hand...
I didn’t have enough coffee when I flipped through the channels the other morning because I heard the following headline escaping from my TV:
Segway Owner Rides Off Cliff
This happened while he was on a Segway, of course.
This is a Segway:
Walk, you fat bastards! Just fucking walk there already!
For those of you who DON’T live in a nation of increasingly obese, lazy bastards, the Segway was supposed to revolutionize personal transport by completely removing walking from the picture. Dean Kamen invented the Segway back in the late 90′s and released it for sale in 2001. It cost more than $5,000 (U.S.) which means that most working people can’t take part in the glorious scooter revolution. Either that or they probably just bought a used car. Let’s face it; you’d look cooler cruising in an ’84 Honda than you would on that thing. The Segway was supposed to be the next level in personal transport because it self-balances and runs on batteries. It’s supposed to be safe to ride and navigate in most pedestrian venues. I say supposedly, because the damn things have been recalled due to glitches that throw riders off, local laws that don’t allow them in most pedestrian venues and riders who just don’t seem to know how to steer the damn things.
Yeah, it’s all fun and games until somebody sustains a head injury, including the owner of the company. Now, quick disclaimer. The owner of the company is NOT the man who invented it. The inventor, as far as we know, wouldn’t be caught dead on one. (Ba-dum dum!) The owner of the company has. I have nothing clever to say about this. The only thing I can say is, “Dude! The Segway owner guy rode one of those things off a cliff! I mean off a fucking cliff! How does this shit happen?”
We can only guess how this happened. Easy to steer my aching ass. Either that or that man wanted to go out with irony and style. If it was the second scenario, my hats off to you, Segway owner guy. You pulled it off. I think that’s the only way you could achieve style on one of those things. Let’s face it; it’s not the most impressive mode of transport out there.
Yeah...uh...NO. That guy is just going to finish robbing the bank and then proceed to outrun you.
Well, let’s raise a glass and a Croc to the Segway guy. We Americans owe a toast to anyone trying their best to keep us a bunch of lazy slobs. (On a side note, I should post a tribute to the Crocs guy as well. Nothing like ugly plastic shoes unfit to wear to a dogfight to keep you on the Lazytron scooter.) If you haven’t had a chance to ride a Segway, good for you. If you’re cussing me out while cruising headlong into a concussion at 12 mph –GET OFF THE DAMN SEGWAY AND WALK ALREADY. I’m not joking about this. Fucking walk. The innocent bystanders and your waistline will thank me later.
I need to take some valuable time here to share the news of the weird with you. Yesterday I was sleeping snug and safe in my bed when the cat stuck his ass right in my face. Man, I love my cat. While I was trying desperately to sneeze that trauma out of my nose, I turned on the TV. I heard the actual headline:
“Jesus Statue Burns Down in Act of God.”
Now, whoever wrote this is the greatest genius that ever lived, or the most confused and religiously distressed individual to miss a dose of his or her medication. But you have to admit, that story is just fucking hilarious. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m talking about this atrocity parked in front of the Solid Rock Church in Ohio:
Praise the Lord and take the crack pipe out of the hands of that sculptor. Then mass rehabilitation for the committee who thought this was the least bit inspirational.
This sculpture, and I use that term in the loosest way possible, was constructed from foam and wire and basically floated above the viewing pond. I think sculpture is a loose term here, but “foam atrocity” might offend some of my gentler readers. It burned the retinas of the local residents who came up with all sorts of creative names for it like “Big Butter Jesus” and “Touchdown Jesus.” I’m sure they meant it in the most gentle, Christ-like way possible. Anyway, the damn thing is just fugly, and the Almighty himself seconded that emotion with death from above.
Yes, God smote his own son’s portrait from above. Oh, the irony. That song from Alanis Morissette? Yeah, that just points out some unfortunate incidents. This story is just downright fucking ironic. I keep seeing the same 11 second clip over and over, and now I’m going to share it with you. It’s not because I don’t love you, quite the opposite, really. I love you, and I want you to be forewarned about what happens when you insult God using umbamugafugly statuary.
*Big sigh* — Even the cross is gone. Well shut my mouth wide open, it appears that God has it in for somebody. If I was the person who made that, I’d move into a shack with a copper roof. If you’re like me, you’re really conflicted about faith right now. (Well, actually, those of you who really know me know I’m not, but I’m going there with rest of my gentle readers so I don’t seem unsympathetic.) On the one hand, maybe this is proof that God exists and hates the way we humans depict him. On the other hand, maybe this is just more sinister proof that there is no God and that random acts of weather can profane the most sacred (and creepily ugly) of objects. I’ll leave the decision up to you; I’m not in the mood to open that big can of swarming maggots today.
Maybe all those Muslims have a point. Maybe we should avoid trying to depict a divinity. I mean, what if we are all terribly, horribly wrong, and we’re pissing off somebody we really don’t want to mess with. I have to point out, though, that it’s worth noting how attached we are to our personal concept of deity. I think if there is a Jesus out there somewhere, and he truly is omnipotent, he would make himself look exactly like this:
I am dead serious about this. Who could resist? Everybody loves kittens except for assholes, and who wants those people in heaven anyway?
Well, I’m going to put my copper hat on and head off for the afternoon. Here’s a klassic just to keep you in the spirit of things.