The Poison Forest

I need to take some valuable time here to share the news of the weird with you. Yesterday I was sleeping snug and safe in my bed when the cat stuck his ass right in my face. Man, I love my cat. While I was trying desperately to sneeze that trauma out of my nose, I turned on the TV. I heard the actual headline:

“Jesus Statue Burns Down in Act of God.”

Now, whoever wrote this is the greatest genius that ever lived, or the most confused and religiously distressed individual to miss a dose of his or her medication. But you have to admit, that story is just fucking hilarious. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m talking about this atrocity parked in front of the Solid Rock Church in Ohio:

Praise the Lord and take the crack pipe out of the hands of that sculptor. Then mass rehabilitation for the committee who thought this was the least bit inspirational.

This sculpture, and I use that term in the loosest way possible, was constructed from foam and wire and basically floated above the viewing pond. I think sculpture is a loose term here, but “foam atrocity” might offend some of my gentler readers. It burned the retinas of the local residents who came up with all sorts of creative names for it like “Big Butter Jesus” and “Touchdown Jesus.” I’m sure they meant it in the most gentle, Christ-like way possible. Anyway, the damn thing is just fugly, and the Almighty himself seconded that emotion with death from above.

Yes, God smote his own son’s portrait from above. Oh, the irony. That song from Alanis Morissette? Yeah, that just points out some unfortunate incidents. This story is just downright fucking ironic. I keep seeing the same 11 second clip over and over, and now I’m going to share it with you. It’s not because I don’t love you, quite the opposite, really. I love you, and I want you to be forewarned about what happens when you insult God using umbamugafugly statuary.

*Big sigh* — Even the cross is gone. Well shut my mouth wide open, it appears that God has it in for somebody. If I was the person who made that, I’d move into a shack with a copper roof. If you’re like me, you’re really conflicted about faith right now. (Well, actually, those of you who really know me know I’m not, but I’m going there with rest of my gentle readers so I don’t seem unsympathetic.) On the one hand, maybe this is proof that God exists and hates the way we humans depict him. On the other hand, maybe this is just more sinister proof that there is no God and that random acts of weather can profane the most sacred (and creepily ugly) of objects. I’ll leave the decision up to you; I’m not in the mood to open that big can of swarming maggots today.

Maybe all those Muslims have a point. Maybe we should avoid trying to depict a divinity. I mean, what if we are all terribly, horribly wrong, and we’re pissing off somebody we really don’t want to mess with. I have to point out, though, that it’s worth noting how attached we are to our personal concept of deity. I think if there is a Jesus out there somewhere, and he truly is omnipotent, he would make himself look exactly like this:

I am dead serious about this. Who could resist? Everybody loves kittens except for assholes, and who wants those people in heaven anyway?

Well, I’m going to put my copper hat on and head off for the afternoon. Here’s a klassic just to keep you in the spirit of things.